Growing up I never felt beautiful. It took a while for me to move past that and find my own beauty. I struggled with acne and just the regular awkward things that teens struggle with. As a young adult I hid behind LAYERS and LAYERS of makeup because thats the only way that I felt beautiful. I am now 34 going on 35 and man have I grown. I still have my moments but for the most part… I LOVE ME. I love everything from my big nappy hair to my rich mocha skin. I love my freckles and my hazel brown eyes. I love the woman that I have become inside and out. When I work I keep my hair tied back or under a hat, no makeup and my clothes are pretty shapeless. I’m at work. I am a nanny so me dressing in my best clothes and wearing makeup is kind of weird. Clothes are ruined because Im running and rolling on the floor. There is play doh and cooking and all kinds of stuff that just do not do well with being “beautiful” while working. The thing is that I do not feel ugly. I feel amazing and I am confident in who I am. My bosses tell me that I should showcase my beauty. I feel that people should be able to see the beauty in my eyes or my smile or the way I talk. When I go out for a night of fun I will play up my eyes and add a little blush to the cheeks, hell I might throw on a dress and heels. When its just me time, I feel most beautiful when my hair is BIG and free. I feel gorgeous without makeup and just walking in a tank top, jeans and a pair of old converse. I feel beautiful letting the sun bring out the golden bronze tones in my skin and letting the freckles dance across my face. I feel beautiful just being in my natural element.So my question is what makes you feel beautiful?? What makes you feel like you stand out in your own way? What makes you a queen of your world? What makes you feel like you? I would LOVE to hear from everyone.
DAMN YOU TIME CHANGE!!!!! My body is so jacked up right now. My body is still on London time!! I didn’t give it time to acclimate to NY time before heading to TX. All of this to say: I have been up since 4 FREAKING 30 this morning!!! I see a nap in my afternoon future damn it!!!
OAN: I AM IN TEXAS!!!!! Real BBQ, Real Tex Mex, Real margaritas!!!! YES YES AND YES!!! Oh and lets not forgot one of the most important things besides friends and family… SNOW CONES!!!! **church faint** I have YET to find a snow cone in NYC. I have googled, searched, yelped… you name it and I can’t find a snow cone place ANYWHERE!!! So you already know that my friend who owns a snow cone stand here in TX is getting all my money for the next 5 days right??? I should basically just give her my debit card and say ” So I am going to be living in this stand for the next 5 days. Just tell me where the ice and flavors are and all will be right with my world” There is something about shaved ice and colored artificial flavor that just puts you in a happy place. I know you are asking. How in the hell did she get on the subject of snow cones?? The answer is because I woke up at 4 FREAKING 30 this morning thinking “I could really use a snow cone right now”
WE ARE HEADING HOME!!!! I have loved this trip but I am super excited to get back to Brooklyn. There is nothing like going home. I think what has me really excited is going to my real home. Real home is ARLINGTON TEXAS BABY!!! I miss my family and friends there. I miss the familiar and DRIVING to where I want to go. There is nothing like home. There is really nothing like mom and dads. There is going to be a giant bed, a ton of food (which I did NOT cook) and CABLE!!! **church faint** I get 5 days of doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! I get 5 days of Tex mex, and snow cones. I get 5 whole days of southern love. So the other day as I was sitting and daydreaming about heading home andI thought “What if I meet my Mr Special on the flight!!! What will he look like? Will he be Christian like me? Will he run OCR like me?? Will he be black or white? Will we know some of the same people?? Will he think my oversized sized sweater, leggings and lazy hair day bun are super sexy? Will he think ‘She is a pretty cute homely looking person. I bet she is FLY when she is dressed to the 9s.’ ” As fast as my daydreams start, they disappear because then my mind goes to “TEX MEX, MARGARITAS and BBQ mmmmmmm”
I am still in London. Everything is awesome here except for the freaking weather. Did London NOT get the Spring time memo?!?!? Its flipping freezing!!! I have had the chance to explore, man watch, eat everything that I can, and window shop. The family is telling me all of these wonderful stores to shop in but I HATE shopping. Wait let me rephrase that. I hate shopping in mall like places. If its a small store with a small selection then I am ok but I get overwhelmed really easily if there is too much for me to look at. All of these wonderful stores here and you know which store excites me?? The store where I can buy new workout gear. Thats right people running gear makes me HAPPY. Shopping for workout clothes is right up there with eating. Shopping for regular clothes… ehhh not so much. Tomorrow I get to see the London Eye and a show which has me pretty pumped. I might actually try to find something cool to spend my walk around money on. I really want to people watch and find cool random things to pictures of. Oh Oh oh I almost forgot: Tomorrow I get to be cute… not in nanny mode because I get free time. I might go to a pub after the London Eye and who knows I might strike up a conversation with a great guy. **wishful thinking here** Or I might just go to a pub, grab a bite to eat and something to drink, people watch and try to blend into the wall (kind of hard with a big ass fro). My London adventure ends Wednesday night so I have to make the MOST of the rest of my time here.
Work work work work work. Work has brought me to London for a whopping week. I LOVE LONDON!!! I do not love this cold weather when its supposed to be semi warm when all I packed were SPRING CLOTHES. I also do not like the cloudy weather day in and day out. I DO love the people, the architecture and the beauty of the this place. I also love that I have seen nothing but GORGEOUS MEN everywhere I go. Some are in suits, and some are casual. Some are chilling and some are in a hurry. Uhhh hello!!!!!! Im single here!!! In my mind I turn into that really annoying dude at the club trying to get your number. “Say say say. Let me holla at chu for a minute.” Or I turn into the super shy dorky kid at school who talks so quiet you can’t hear them. “Hi. Hi. Hiiiiiiiiiii. Yeh ok… You don’t have to say hi. Um Yeh I um.. You’re hot…Im going to walk away now. Ok. Bye” **hangs head and speed walks away clutching books to chest** Or I tend to do the fan girl thing in my head “OH MAH GAH OH MAH GAH OH MAH GAAAAAAH!” Most of the time its the second of third phrase or a combination of both. **Face palm**
I recently posted about losing those that I was really close to. I have lost a TON of family but I was also really young. Even though I had a relationship with them… I only remember small bits and pieces. My grandmothers though… That woman there was just AWESOME. She took no shit for anyone. She was barely 5 foot and looked like a little Native American woman. She smoked like a chimney, cussed like a sailor, spoke her mind and carried a pistol. It was silver and ALWAYS loaded. She kept it in her bra drawer. I don’t think my grandmothers held me until i was one. She was kind of ticked at my mom for getting pregnant. As I got older, I grew on her. I mean who could resist my big hazel brown eyes man?!?!?! I remember when I would spend the night at her house, we would wake up super early and drink coffee. She would let me have her left over and put a CRAP TON of sugar in it for me. We would sit at her kitchen table and drink coffee and eat cheese toast. She made the BEST turkey and dressing for the holidays and could not BEAT her plum jelly. She hung all of my school art work on her fridge and even let me interview her for a school project. She taught me how to roller skate, and jump rope when I was in the 1st grade.She She worked hard and loved hard. After long days of working at the hospital she would come home and take naps. She would wake up from her naps and her toenails, fingernails and hair would be done… by me of course. You can totally picture a 3rd graders handy work but she never seemed to mind. She snored like locomotive man. OH MAH GAH!!! Once that deep sleep hit, it was GAME OVER!! She was everything. As she got older things began to change slowly. With every child lost, a piece of her would die. You could see it. No one wants to lose a child. NO ONE and she lost not one but 4!! After my uncle Dwight passed she just wasn’t the same. It was almost like she had given up and I hated seeing her like that because thats not how she was when I was growing up. She could always remind if I was getting fat: “Oooooh you gettin fat.” or if I was too skinny ” You ain’t got no kind of ass” SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! You can’t swallow your water that you have been holding in your mouth for the past 30 minutes to tell me hi but you can tell me that I have no ass??!?!?!?! All I could do was laugh and then she would start laughing and shrug. All she wanted to do was hold your hand and stare at you. She was a beautiful woman even in old age. She was the only 80 year old woman I knew that could eat an ENTIRE hamburger without her teeth. She would bite onions… ANYTHING!!! She had like gums of steel. When my uncle Allon passed, she was done. She passed the day after he did. When I flew home for the funeral I had so much guilt. I felt guilty for not visiting as much as I should have. I felt guilty for not saying “I love you” as much as I should have. I felt horrible because I didn’t get to say good bye. I didn’t get to let one of the strongest women in my life know how much she meant to me because I was so focused on myself.I dream about her all the time. In my dreams she is how I remember her when I was young. Full of energy and smiles and life. I feel like its because she is at peace now. I miss you Grandmothers. I hope you know just how much I loved you and how much you meant to me. As I sit here and shed tears as I type , I hope you know that you meant the world to me.
I am pretty close with all of my family… for the most part. I am closer to my moms side of the family than my dads side. I have lost a lot of people in my life but none hit me harder than when I lost my Uncle Dwight, my Uncle Allon and then my Grandmothers. I saw my uncle Dwight fight cancer until God said “You don’t have to fight anymore.” I remember sitting in my room Sobbing as my best friend hugged me tight. I cried all day. I was in the 10th grade. I remember when my mom would go visit and I couldn’t make it I would tell her “Tell him I love him and I will see him soon” This one day she came back and said “I couldn’t tell him. He passed Khrys.” I crumpled right there. My best friend Nori sat with me while I cried. I cried all day. Every time I would look at someone, I would just break down.He wanted to teach me how to drive and it sucks because he never got to. My uncle Dwight was awesome and he had the best smile. When he smiled, he smiled with his whole face and it just lit everything up. My Uncle Allon was one of a kind man. No one could come close to being like my Uncle Allon. He was cool… Like Chester Cheetah cool!!! He had a walk and talk that would make you say something like “Thats a jive turkey right there” He was that cool. He was thin and had long curly hair for as long as I could remember. He could give a rats behind what anyone thought of him. He used to pick me up from school in the biggest ugliest hoopties and I hated it… but I loved my Uncle Allon. I would say “Can you pick me up in the nice car?” and he would say “Did you need a ride? Then you ride in what I pick you up in” BWAHAHAHA. He always called me “Slim or Red (red tone to my skin)” When I found out he had cancer I was so broken up but I just KNEW that he would be it. He fought long and hard. I think he raised more hell during his battle than without it. HA!!! He always encouraged me to do what made me happy. To quit listening to the outside voices and listen to the spirit. “Whats been put on your heart baby? Then thats what you do. Fuck everyone else damnit. God Damnit do for you not them” When God finally told him that he didn’t have to fight anymore, I was in Italy. A job that I wouldn’t have taken if he hadn’t encouraged me to listen to the spirit. I sat in my room and sobbed until my eyes hurt. I caught the first flight out that I could, said “Screw you job because I need to get home”, and flew for damn near 24 hours straight because I had so many connections” When I got home I found out that my Grandmothers had passed a day after my Uncle Allon. Talk about a kick to the face. Grandmothers… Words cannot describe how awesome of a woman she was. I would have to type a whole other blog to talk about all she was about. She had the best laugh because it came all the way from her belly. She was beautiful even in old age. She was soft spoken but firm. I remember when I wanted to start dating she said “Now I don’t care who you bring home. But if your bring home a white boy… Just make sure he does’t have blonde hair or blue eyes.” I was so confused. She also said “Always look at the shoes and the teeth. If they have jacked up shoes then that means they have jacked up teeth.” Wait… WHAT?!?!?! But to this very day I take her advice. She was really random sometimes, could cuss like a sailor, chain smoke a pack a cigarettes like the world was coming to an end and would never smoke again, and could insult you in the most monotone voice and then crack herself up. She loved red. Red lipstick and red fingernails were her go to when she wanted to be fancy. At her retirement home they used to have valentines parties for them. My mom went over to help her get ready. My mom put her hair in a pretty bun, pained her nails, did her lipstick and was helping her get dressed when my Grandmothers said “I don’t want to wear those panties.” Meaning her depends. My mom said “Oh yes ma’am. You are wearing these.” My Grandmothers said “They make my booty look big.” My mom was like “Either your booty is going to look big or pissy. You pick” My grandmother chose the big booty. I miss them so much. I know they are still with me though. I know when my Grandmother is watching over me because I will dream about her or something will remind me over her and I can feel her presence. My uncles come in and out. They watch over me, I can sense when they are with me because again something random will bring them to mind and make me smile.