I recently posted about losing those that I was really close to. I have lost a TON of family but I was also really young. Even though I had a relationship with them… I only remember small bits and pieces. My grandmothers though… That woman there was just AWESOME. She took no shit for anyone. She was barely 5 foot and looked like a little Native American woman. She smoked like a chimney, cussed like a sailor, spoke her mind and carried a pistol. It was silver and ALWAYS loaded. She kept it in her bra drawer. I don’t think my grandmothers held me until i was one. She was kind of ticked at my mom for getting pregnant. As I got older, I grew on her. I mean who could resist my big hazel brown eyes man?!?!?! I remember when I would spend the night at her house, we would wake up super early and drink coffee. She would let me have her left over and put a CRAP TON of sugar in it for me. We would sit at her kitchen table and drink coffee and eat cheese toast. She made the BEST turkey and dressing for the holidays and could not BEAT her plum jelly. She hung all of my school art work on her fridge and even let me interview her for a school project. She taught me how to roller skate, and jump rope when I was in the 1st grade.She She worked hard and loved hard. After long days of working at the hospital she would come home and take naps. She would wake up from her naps and her toenails, fingernails and hair would be done… by me of course. You can totally picture a 3rd graders handy work but she never seemed to mind. She snored like locomotive man. OH MAH GAH!!! Once that deep sleep hit, it was GAME OVER!! She was everything. As she got older things began to change slowly. With every child lost, a piece of her would die. You could see it. No one wants to lose a child. NO ONE and she lost not one but 4!! After my uncle Dwight passed she just wasn’t the same. It was almost like she had given up and I hated seeing her like that because thats not how she was when I was growing up. She could always remind if I was getting fat: “Oooooh you gettin fat.” or if I was too skinny ” You ain’t got no kind of ass” SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! You can’t swallow your water that you have been holding in your mouth for the past 30 minutes to tell me hi but you can tell me that I have no ass??!?!?!?! All I could do was laugh and then she would start laughing and shrug. All she wanted to do was hold your hand and stare at you. She was a beautiful woman even in old age. She was the only 80 year old woman I knew that could eat an ENTIRE hamburger without her teeth. She would bite onions… ANYTHING!!! She had like gums of steel. When my uncle Allon passed, she was done. She passed the day after he did. When I flew home for the funeral I had so much guilt. I felt guilty for not visiting as much as I should have. I felt guilty for not saying “I love you” as much as I should have. I felt horrible because I didn’t get to say good bye. I didn’t get to let one of the strongest women in my life know how much she meant to me because I was so focused on myself.I dream about her all the time. In my dreams she is how I remember her when I was young. Full of energy and smiles and life. I feel like its because she is at peace now. I miss you Grandmothers. I hope you know just how much I loved you and how much you meant to me. As I sit here and shed tears as I type , I hope you know that you meant the world to me.