Do you ever talk to yourself? Do you ever ask yourself a question… and then answer the said question? No?? Neither do I. **shakes head in denial… slowly nods head and raises hand**
So have you ever done something and then immediately after you do it the words “What the FUCK just happened” come out of your mouth?? Yeh that basically just happened. I’m single (duh). I have no prospects so I basically spend my time working, eating takeout and going on adventures. Well my WTF moment hit when I PAID and excitedly REGISTERED with a team of equally nutz people to run a trail Ragnar relay. It’s a team of 8 nut jobs who pay to relay run over 100 miles through the mountains in the middle of FREAKIN NOWHERE.**insert face palm** I HAVE LOST MY MIND!!! Jesus needs to do an adventure intervention in my life!!! I’m not backing out because I’m no punk. I’m thug like that… But I’m shedding thug tears because this race might take me out!! HAHAHA!! Pray for me y’all!!!
Ok so we all know that I have been single for over 4 years now. Like I have had NOOOOOO kind of action for 4 years. 4 YEARS PEOPLE!!!!! But the only action that I miss is the cuddling and kissing. GOD I MISS KISSING!!! I can do without intercourse. Thats no big deal to me. When the time is right it will be right but kissing is another story. There is just something about a guy who can kiss. To be honest I feel that kissing is more intimate than sex. There is something very sigh worthy about a great kiss. Have you ever had that kiss that just makes your entire body sigh?? I mean its like a freaking dream worthy kiss?? Have you ever had a kiss that just made you want to vomit. I talked to a guy while I was in Italy and he was handsome… Like too handsome. I actually think he was gay but thats besides the point. He had the most perfect set of lips… and was a HORRIBLE kisser. There was no way that I could compensate for his icky kissing. “Dude could you not try to swallow my face here” It was gross y’all!!! Im queasy just thinking about it. **gagging** I would pull back and like “What the Shit just happened here?!?!?!?!” Hopefully the guy that comes into my life (Whenever that may be) will not only awesome but a FANTASTIC kisser. Until then I will continue to wait.
So I have been on an Eryn Allen Kane kick. Her music is AWESOME and it has been in constant rotation lately on playlist. One of her songs is called “Piano song” and one of the lyrics that always gets me is “Sometimes clinging to a cloud aint as easy as it seems. Sometimes clinging to a cloud ain’t as easy as it seems. But we try… Ohhh we try” Personally I think I cling to a lot of different clouds and its like they slip through my fingers. I guess my clouds would be day dreams. I day dream a lot… at any given point I will mentally check out and go to my mental happy place. You should totally try it sometime because it really helps with stressful days… but thats besides the point. My clouds are, happiness (true unconditional happiness) love, and life.Lets break this down shall we…
Happiness: Happiness the true unconditional happiness. A happiness that is not affected by what is going on around you or in you. Its just a constant state of joy no matter what. There are no conditions that determine what makes you happy. You just wake up and are happy and filled with joy. This is a cloud that I cling to because there are times when I let outside environments and situations affect me . But then I wonder is there such a thing as unconditional happiness?
Love: Ahhhhh the “L” word. Not just any love but that deep love. A love that no matter what is still there. Unconditional love. I guess I see this love as “Finding my one true love” Yeh I know I lost my thug card just now but whatever. Everyone wants to be in love and find that special person at some point in their lives right?? I can’t be the only one. I love who I am and the wonderful black woman that God has created me to be but I would LOVE to share that with someone!!! At the same I wonder if that kind of super awesome deep love really exists. Im like the last person out of my group of friends. ER’BODY is boo’d up, married, has a kid, kid #2 on the way, buying houses together, vacations together, and Im here like “So ummm I ordered take out, watched a movie and signed up for another race”
Life: Life is a cloud. You cling to it and ER’BODY wants the best life EVER but life is not a guarantee. You have all of things that you want to accomplish in your life time but you never know when its your time to go. You want the best for you life but there is always someone out there who wants the opposite for you. As a black woman its kind of scary. Never know who is gunning for you this day and age. Never know who thinks your life does not matter. I want to accomplish so much in this life time and so I will continue to keep grabbing at this one cloud. The other two come second to this one right here.
Someone posted something a while back that cracked me up and I want to elaborate and add my own twist to it.
If you can’t handle me with my twists,head scarf, no make and sweatpants; Then you sure as hell don’t deserve me with my fly ass fro, makeup and heels
You have to find me beautiful whether I am hulled out or runway ready! If I am in ratty gym wear and my afro puff is lopsided, my makeup is gone and I am covered in sweat; I want the man for me to be able to see beyond it and be able to say “You are beautiful”. If I am photoshoot ready I want him to think I am beautiful. ER’BODY want you to glamour 24-7. Uh no homey. You better appreciate this satin sleep cap first!!!
Sometimes clinging to a cloud ain’t as easy as it seems… But we try
Eryn Allen Kane
So the past couple of days have been full of highs and lows. Work has been great but super busy. My days have been full of 2 year old laughter. Thats what gets me through the day. At night I log onto the web only to see killing after killing after killing. My heart hearts. My soul hurts. My spirit hurts. Last night I tuned out. I could not take it anymore. This morning I wake up to even more chaos… and from my home STATE… HOME CITY!!! Dallas in in FULL UPROAR!!!! I can’t take it anymore!!! Everyone has something to say about #Blacklivesmatter. They respond with #Alllivesmatter. So with the people posting #Bluelivesmatter do I need to come back with “Hey hey. Cut the racist crap. ALL LIVES MATTER. Do you understand the FEAR that I live in DAILY??? All because of the melanin in my skin?? Do you?? Do you understand that I am constantly watching my back and EVERY move because of the color of my skin?? Do you understand that I fear for the husband who might come into my life and the children that I might possibly bring into this world? RACISM IS REAL PEOPLE!!! I deal with it EVERY DAMN DAY!!! So yes I am proudly saying that MY BLACK LIFE MATTERS because it does!!! A lot of my friends have a privilege that I don’t. Some understand but some don’t. I don’t know if its because they refuse to really see it or if it is because they truly do not get it. I wonder if I cross the wrong path and my life is taken; will it because because its my time to go?? Thats whats scary. I am not scared of dying. I am scared of dying before my time. Do you understand?? Do you even want to understand. I sit here in tears because the world was NEVER a better place. Racism NEVER stopped. All this shit that is coming back into the light has ALWAYS ALWAYS been there!!! It was covered for a little bit. Whats done in the dark always comes to light and baby the spot light is on it!!! Those who went before. Those who fought for me. Those that endured before me… I GET IT!!! I can sit here all day and repeat #alllivesmatter… but if we are being totally honest… do they really??