Do I Have To??

Soooo lately its been hard for me to find stuff to write about. So the past few months my mom has noticed that I have been talking more and more about settling down, getting married and having my own family. SHUT YOUR FACE!!! SAY WHAT?!?!?!?! YES!!! I didn’t realize how much I was bringing it up until my mom pointed it out. “Yooooo you’ve been throwing those words around a lot Khrys. You good??” OHHHHH MAH GAAAAH you’re right!!!! Whats happening to me?? I think its seeing everyone else in a relationship. And being a nanny I see how I want to raise my kids and how I DON’T want to raise them. I don’t know. I look around and I’m like “Ok Khrys. You’re 36 honey bun… Get your SHIT together!!!” But does anyone really have their shit together?? I mean really??? Someone might have all their money in order but  be totally jacked up in the head. They might be totally sane but be terrible with money. Uggggh why is adulting so hard?!?!?!?!?! Who invented this??? Who lied and said being an adult was awesome?? Huh?? WHO?!?!?! IM 36!!! According to my18 year old self Im supposed to be married in a giant house with two GIANT LAZY Great Danes!!! Im supposed  to be in the medical field with a high paying job and blah blah blah. NONE of that has happened. NONE!!!! The only goal that I reached on that goal list is: Live in NYC. THATS IT!!! Im not a doctor or in the medical field.( Turns out Im not wired to retain all of that info. However I can remember random facts about ducks…THE HELL?!??!?!?!) Im not married. Hell Im not even dating. I don’t have my Great Danes (STILL WANT THEM THOUGH).I don’t have a big house. Instead I have a TINY apartment at the bottom of someones house. My rent however is what a giant house mortgage would be. Whats the deal??? I think the issue lies in one particular spot. My mom tells me “God you’re such a smart ass.” Thats code for  “You are such an asshole” I CAN’T HELP IT!!! I do not know how to people. What is peopling?? Why do I have to people?? So since I don’t know how to interact with others, I get irritated and then the sarcastic asshole makes an appearance and there is nothing I can do about it. Im totally ok being on the outside looking in. I LOVE LOVE LOVE watching others interact. I can picture in my head what I am supposed to do but when it comes to actually doing it… its a total cluster crap. **Face palm** I don’t think that Im ugly. I LOVE my awkward quirky self. I maybe kind of sort of have my shit together. I can be funny  and I like adventure and travel. I would like to think that I am a good catch. I just have to work on not being an asshole. That means I have be ok with sharing all things donuts, alcohol, blankets and pillows and self. **heavy sigh** I think Im ready y’all. IMG_5380

Quiet

Whats up fellow bloggers?!?!?!?!?! Im baaaaaack. Its been a world wind month/ month and a half. Work has been keeping me busy and I just haven’t really had anything to talk about. I take that back. I have had a SHIT ton to talk about I just didn’t know how to say it all. It was a lot. A.LOT!!! Ive been going non stop which means my mind has been in constant go go go mode. We landed in Nantucket and I got a whopping 4 days off. The past 4 days I have been determined to find QUIET. Its kind of hard when there is constant noise. Its also hard when you are that person with a really short attention span. Im used to my mind jumping from one subject to another. When things are too quiet for me, I start to get nervous. Its weird don’t ask.Quiet for me is plugging in my ear buds and listening to whatever I am in the mood for. Quiet for me is day dreaming about what could be and what I want or whereI want to be. Thats quiet for me. BUT I have been DETERMINED to figure out how to just sit in silence. Day before yesterday I ran the 1.67 miles to the beach… In the fog… by myself. I ran and then when I reached the beach I took out my earbuds and just sat. The only sounds were the waves hitting the shore. There were no voices… Only the sounds of God’s creations. I criss crossed my legs, closed my eyes and proceeded to try to find my quiet place. It took a hot minute. I get wigged out when things are too still or too quiet but I turned off my over active brain and focused… On silence. Yooooooo I FOUND IT!!!! I was able to tune out and center myself for I don’t know how long. It could’ve been 10 minutes… It could have been 30 minutes. All I know is that I was able to do it. OH MAH GAH it was amazing!!!! I tried to do it again today but there was too much going on around me. Tomorrow is my last day off so Im going to try to wake up early for another run to the beach so I can absorb the stillness.

 

OAN: Did you guys start singing the Bjork version of “Its ohhhh so Quiet… shhhhhh shhhhhh” BWAHAHAHAH I totally did.  Im a cornball like that.