So Extra

Ok so everyone knows that I am like the adventurous workout queen. I love to find different studios that do out of the box cardio and strength training. I have been DYING to try pole classes. Thats right. Pole dancing… just without the stripper heels. Well I did it on Saturday and posted a video afterwards about my epic meltdown. I was being extra and was in my feelings and was just… I can’t even describe it. But doing that class bought back EVERY insecurity that I have ever had IN LIFE!!!! EVERY.SINGLE.ONE!!! Lets figure out why shall we??

Ok I am EXTREMELY SHY!!! Its crazy!!! I am totally at peace blending into my surroundings and people watching while eating popcorn or writing in my never ending journal. I don’t like standing out even though my giant purple fro says otherwise. HAHAHA!!!  I have ALWAYS been shy but I thought I had gotten better about it. Growing up I would hide behind my mom or dad when going to gatherings or their friends houses. I blushed even if someone just said hi. I hated being in front of crowds… like to the point of hyperventilating!!! In high school our cafeteria was the freaking EPICENTER of everything. Its where ER’BODY hung out at. Going through the cafeteria was a nightmare for me because I always felt like people were watching and I felt like I was being laughed at. I did everything in my power to avoid that place. I would lap the whole damn school to get to a single class. 2 minutes to class through the cafeteria… 7 minutes taking the long route. Guess which way I always went?? If I had to go through;I always walked with my head down going like 90 mph. I STILL hate being in front of people and do everything in my power to stay out of the spot light!!! JUST LET ME BLEND!!! Deep down I’m still that awkward black girl who can’t find that spot where she fits. Now I just cover up my anxiety about it with humor and sarcasm. Being 36 I can’t hide behind anyone anymore so I hide behind sarcasm. It works… or it did until I did that damn pole class. I was so out of my element!!!! I can’t roll my body. I don’t know how to be flirty. I do not know how to be this sensuous person. I do not know how to let caution go to the wind and work my body the way our instructor was having us do. For 80 percent of the class I was like “What the fuck am I doing??” Im technical. I have to see every step down to the smallest movement of the fingers and in my mind “I HAVE TO GET IT RIGHT” I was trying to break down everything in my head instead of just going with it. The freak out didn’t happen until she would turn down the lights and tell us to make up our own routines with what we learned. No one was watching me. Everyone was too busy trying to work their pole. ME?? I was too busy FREAKING OUT because in my mind everyone was watching me and in my mind I was doing everything wrong. I basically beat myself up and didn’t know how to stop. In that hour and 30 minutes I turned into the weird 15 year old at Martin high school. It didn’t help that the chick I was paired with who said she had only done the class ONCE was doing gosh damn fan kicks and splits while holding the pole and whipping her hair all about . BITCH REALLY?!?!?! REALLY?!?!?!?! Why couldn’t I be paired with the chick in the back who was just as lost as I was??  So this one class basically broke me for a day. So now I have to go back to this freaking pole dancing class so I can slay these demons that still haunt me even though they shouldn’t!!!

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Trying Something Different

One of the hardest things to do in LIFE is to leave your comfort and move on to something different. It’s so hard to break free!!! SOOOOOO HAAAAAARD **insert ugly cry wall slide here** Yes I am being dramatic BUT WHATEVER!!! I have hit this kind of super comfort lazy zone with just about ER’THANG in my life.  My New Years resolution… Hell I didn’t have one. I have been in a FUNK for the past week or so. Like my attitude was BEYOND stank!! I wasn’t mean to anyone or super rude but I was just in a “Give no fucks” attitude. “Whatever happens… happens” Kind of attitude. I think my hormones were just out of whack but again… WHATEVER!!! So this weekend I have been feeling better and I think part of that is because I am TRYING to change parts of my diet. My diet has been one of “Give zero fucks” kind of things for most of 2017.  The last few months my allergies have been KILLING ME!!! No sense of smell and congestion that just won’t quit. Who knew that the nose could produce so much freaking snot!!! Ive been living off of nose sprays and allergy/cold meds. Well I finally got sick of it and decided to make some changes. The big change… KILLING DAIRY. Thats right I am taking dairy out of my diet. OOOOOOH MAAAAAH GAHHHHH! Its the hardest thing in the world!!! Its not that I drink milk ( I hate milk. Never liked it) but I use it in my cereal and cooking. I also use a shit ton of creamer when drinking coffee and sometimes thats 3 cups of coffee a day. Last week I drank my coffee black. I screwed up on cheese because I made pizza for the kids and then grilled cheese another day. I eat meals with the kids so they will eat their food and yeh that was my back slide right there.

Friday when I left work I decided to go grocery shopping so I could implement these diet changes at home AND the temps dipped to single digits so you already know my black ass was moving nowhere outside of this here apartment. I bought vegan cheddar slices, almond milk and vegan coffee creamer. I feel better. I’m not sluggish and my attitude isn’t bad. I had a ton of energy and slept really good. I’m still congested at times but I got my sense of smell back for a few minutes and then it left again.

I figure that I am going to document all of this and see how it goes. I need the good LAWD to lay hands on my sinuses and clear out all of the SNOT!!!! AMEN and AMEND!!! LOL!!!

Another thing that Im working on is getting back to be being physically active. I was kind of blah for most of 2017. No desire, no drive, no real motivation. Ive signed up for my first Spartan race for 2018 and I want to sign up for a few more and try some other races as well. This week is the beginning of training for me. Im going to keep hitting the gym for weights, machines and light cardio but I’m also going to be going to some cool studios to try different workouts. Im going to try pole dancing, hoops and silks. And I am also going to do the spider bands class again. This is just the beginning.

Resolutions

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Bringing in the new year didn’t feel like “bringing in the new year” I have been off a little bit since I got back from vacation and I just have really had no desire what so ever to move from the corner spot on my sofa. I have had no desire to change the TV channel from Hallmark to something else. Even though I’m not even watching it… Im reading a book but yet I still can’t bring myself to turn off my TV or change the channel to something my mom would want to watch.  Every year I make resolutions that I NEVER stick to. Save more money, eat better, work out more, be more positive, love ER’BODY… I never stick to ANY of it and for the past couple of days… I could really give 3 shits about it.  You want to know what my 2018 resolutions are??

  1. I
  2. DONT
  3. KNOW

Thats right.  I know I wrote them down somewhere but as I sit here in a haze… will they really be something that I stick to?? Will I even care?? Probably not. I will find them somewhere down the road because its written down in one of the 300 journals that I have stowed away all over my apartment.  And I will think “Aren’t these the same things I wrote down for 2017?? Huh”