Fearless

So the other day my mom posted my pic on FB saying that I am fearless and that she wants to be like me when she grows up. Fearless… Me??? Are you serious??? I have never IN MY LIFE seen myself as fearless. NEVER.EVER. Fearless to me is no fear… of anything!!!! I do a lot of dumb shit but I kind of know my chances going in are ok. I’ve always kind of cared about what people think of me and how they see me. I’ve been scared of disappointing the people in my life. I’ve always been scared of taking chances because I always thought “What if I fail??” I hit 30 and basically said “FUCK IT” I took a job in Italy and lived there for a little over 2 years. I literally packed up ER’THANG and took the one way ticket out and was COOL with it!!! Was I scared?? HELL YES!!! I was moving to country where I didn’t know the language, how I would be received… NOTHING!!! All I knew was that I wanted to really live my life and this was the opportunity to do so. I got tired of Italy after a while and moved back home. A huge dream of mine was “Live in NYC!!!” When I was little it was because I wanted to model… yeh I quickly realized that I was not model material… AT ALL!!! I’m still not model material even though sometimes when I’m walking through the city in a fly ass outfit…  I pretend I’m in a music video or commercial for perfume or something. Don’t judge me!!! HAHAHAHA!!! You would do it too!!! ANYWAY. I waited and waited and waited… Like almost a year before the opportunity came my way and I JUMPED and haven’t looked back. I’ve been in NYC for over 4 years now!!! LOVE IT!!!! I run stupid ass OCR races that have me jumping, climbing and throwing my body into crap over and over and over again. Would I have done this in my youth?? Maybe. I hit 30 and basically said “I would rather live my life  the way I want to because I am not guaranteed to be here the next 20…30… 40 years. Hell I might not even be here in the next 5 years. YOU NEVER KNOW what’s ahead. Basically my motto for the past 7 years has been “FUCK IT… Lets see what happens” and so far its been pretty rad. I’ve learned a lot about myself. The main thing is that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.  I’ve taken a lot of shit from a lot of different people and still keep on ticking. One thing that I haven’t just thrown all caution to the wind with… is my heart. MAN!!! I guard that with barbed wire, electric fence and a combination lock!!! NO ONE has really gotten in. I let one person in when I was young… been guarded ever since. I want to date and I am ready to meet my King BUT I AM SCARED SHITLESS!!!! There are few people that I let all the way in. Hell most of my family isn’t even all the way in. There is real legit fear in letting someone in and then having everything fall apart. There is real fear in believing someone is THE ONE… and they turn out not to be. I am REEEEAAAAAAALLLLLY trying to let this go. It’s hard as hell though. Am I fearless?? I think in some ways I am.  Would I think anyone would look up to me and want to be like me?? Uhhh no because in some ways I still feel like I haven’t done much in life.  I’m  almost 37 and flying by the seat of my pants. I’m a human dragon fly. I’m basically just letting the wind blow me in which ever direction and I’m just going along with it. I might take 3 steps forward and 15 steps back. Oh well. I guess there is still a lot that I need to learn about being fearless.

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Author: singleinbrooklynblog

I am a 30 something year old woman living in Brooklyn NY. I am originally from Dallas TX but do not see myself moving back any time in the near future. I have a love for all food especially when it can be delivered to my apartment. I love running OCR even though I am the slowest person out there. I have a short attention span (why NY is the ideal place for me). I am silly, sarcastic, optimistic, easy going and fun. I am also very single and I must say that I am enjoying my Single In Brooklyn life.

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