Viiiiiivaaaaaa Las Vegas!!!! I am back in NY soaking up the LAST little bit of my vacation. Seriously the last half has gone at like WARP SPEED!!! **silent tears**
Alright Vegas…. Vegas owes me NOTHING except for a lot of money. I had so much fun… BY.MYSELF!!! I went there for two things.
- To play any and every slot machine that lit up with glitter and sparkles as well as sang to me like the little trolls that sang “Its a small world”
- See an amazing show
I played any and EVERY slot machine and it was a toss up with which show I would see. I chose Jabbawokeez. Let me tell you… I had an epic fan girl meltdown on the inside. I have been a fan since I saw them on ABDC season 1 and have tried to follow them through out their career. This show was AHHH-MAZING!!! I have no pics of the show but I will remember it for the rest of my life. The dancing was great. The theatrics were hilarious and the story that was told was fantastic. Watching them dance brought out my inner breakdancer. I can’t dance to save my life but in my mind I am part of their crew.
I knew that I was going to be out late for a night on the town so I wanted to be cute. I’m talking red lipstick and all. Was I cute?? I thought I looked great. Did I meet anyone?? NOPE. Did I see anyone worth looking at?? HELL YES!!! I saw two SUPA FINE BROTHAS but they did not see me. I was walking to the show and passed them and I may have drooled a little bit…OOPS. Oh well.
Ok so the show was amazing… What about the sites?? The hotels in Vegas are out of this world. They are gorgeous. Even seeing some of the older casinos was awesome. I have been to Vegas before but this time was a ton of fun.
The most unexpected bit of fun was meeting my friend Audra Scott for breakfast. IT was crazy early in the morning and she responded to one of my FB post saying that she was in town. SAY WHAT?!?!?! OH breakfast is TOTALLY called for!!! So we met up at the Mirage hotel for their buffet. The Buffet… Y’all… All I could do was stare with my mouth open. There was every possible assortment of food that I could ever think of. And guess what?? I ate some of EVERYTHING!!! It was 20 bucks and WELL WORTH IT!!!! We talked and laughed for HOURS!!!! We hadn’t seen each other in a few years so it was AMAZING to catch up and boy did we have some catching up to do.
I had plans to go buck wild in Vegas… But you see how their heat is set up… HELL NO!!! I walked from the Mirage to Circus Circus and thought I was going to DIE!!! It was like a mile maybe a mile and a half walk. It’s not a long distance but when it’s 110 degrees of dry heat, all you want to do is curl up near the AC and let it wrap its cool arms around you while letting you know everything is going to be alright. I made it to Circus Circus for one reason… THE ROLLERCOASTERS!!! They have two. When I got up to there to pay for my ticket…THEY.WERE.CLOSED. I’m sorry what was that??? Soooo you’re telling me that I walked on the surface of the sun FOR NOTHING?!?!?!?! No. Nooooo. Nooooooooo. Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! I smiled but stomped away like a tantruming 3 year old. I went outside, hailed a cab and went to New York New York. Why?? Because they have a BIG ASS ROLLERCOASTER!!! AAAAAND it was working. 15 bucks took me right on through to awesomeness. I locked my backpack up, stuck my phone in my pocket and walked up to get in line for adrenaline happiness. I’m in line and a group of Middle Eastern guys line up behind me and in the other trolly line. Well They did not understand PERSONAL SPACE!!! Dude was all up on my back!!!! GET OFF ME!!!! I wasn’t in the friendliest of moods. Heat turns me into a mean troll for real and my mean troll was OUT and WAS NOT IN THE MOOD for PEOPLING!!! So I turned around and gave old dude a “Back the fuck up look” He backed up and they moved to different lines. THANK YOU!!! Well it comes time to load into the car and they make their way back. NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Well his buddy decides he wants to ride in the rollercoaster car with me. WHY?!?!?!? WHY?!?!?!?! This is what the mean troll in my head was screaming. GOSH DAMN IT LET ME BE ALONE!!!!!! Well dude turns out to be chatty. Mean troll is NOT in a chatty mood!!! “Ahhhh dangerous ride ehh.” “Uhhh not really.” “All the hills and turns ehh??” “Yup.” “Going to be fun eh??” “Yup” “ok” So we are buckled in and take off at a slow roll. I rest my arm on the bar that rides on the top of the outside of the car….A TOTALLY OK PLACE to place your arm because nothing is going to take it off. DUDE FREAKED OUT!!! “NO NO PUT ARM BACK IN!!! DON’T DO THAT!!!!” I looked at him like he had lost his flipping mind. So I did one even better. I just put both my hands in the air and waved them around. Yeh because I can be an asshole. Remember I said “Mean Troll” was NOT there to play around. The rollercoaster took off down that first drop and I could not stop laughing!!!! Ole dude couldn’t even scream!!! Which made me laugh harder. I think he died a little bit inside because he was NOT having fun which made me laugh EVEN HARDER!!! The ride ended and everyone climbed off. I bought the pictures and I was shooting a quick video talking about the experience when Him and his gang approached me for the pictures. They took a picture of our pictures and then… He gave me a hug. MEAN TROLL DID NOT WANT A HUG!!!!! UUUUUGGGGGH WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?!?!?! I can’t post the pictures because that would be like an invasion of privacy or something. Well I mean I could post them and edit his face out but that’s too much work and ain’t nobody got time for that. ANYWYAY I walked out into that heat and thought I was going to pass out. Seriously… I got a little dizzy and my stomach started hurting and I just felt awful so of course my first thought was “I NEED FOOD!!!!” Then I saw a sign for shake shack and KNEW that was where I needed to go!!! So I swallowed a cheeseburger, cheese fries and lemonade and then made my way back to my hotel room. I got to my room, showered and layed naked across my bed under the cool AC. Y’all it was that type of heat in Vegas. I popped two Benadryl threw on my jammies and CRASHED.
I woke up at the ASS CRACK of dawn to catch a 730a flight back to NYC. While in the airport Grumpy Troll made another appearance. GRUMPY!!!! I mean it was bad y’all BAAAAD! So while sitting in the airport I tend to people watch. Its one of the best places to people watch. Well I watched two guards dressed in civilian clothes escort a prisoner onto the plane. Everyone in line was old and white. When they saw dude getting on their flight they all froze. FROZE and the little color that they had TOTALLY DRAINED from their faces. The look of horror and fear on their faces CRACKED.ME.UP. I totally sipped my coffee and ate my breakfast sandwich while watching their meltdowns. It was really flipping funny. Well it comes time to board my plane. I get on and am sitting in an aisle seat so I can stretch at least one leg out a little bit. Well GRUMPY TROLL was in FULL RAGE by this point. Let me tell you the bullshit that went on this entire flight. It was like the Chinese family reunion of a lifetime and they all sat in the back of the plane with me. Its as like 20 people. Out of 20 people only ONE spoke English. So when the flight attendant would tell one of them to do something, they would look 3 ROWS BACK so that one person could translate what was being said.
- Lady sitting behind me is talking to her reunion members ACROSS THE SEATS which means they were talking loud. The plane is ready to leave the gate but we can’t because SHE WON’T SIT DOWN!!! Turns out she wanted to switch seats with the guy three rows up so she could sit next to a member of her crew. So we were put on hold so she could switch seats
- Young love bird couple from somewhere decided to be all love bird like… and then I look over and she is POPPING PIMPLES ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD!!! **gag**
- Lady across the aisle from me is trying to get comfortable. There isn’t much room. She’s part of the reunion crew. She’s loudly blowing up her neck rest. Then she blows up her back pillow. THEN she starts blowing up this GINORMOUS FOOT REST that won’t even fit under the seat in front of her and she wrestles with it for 5 minutes.Finally she squeezes it into the tiny space between her seat, TAKES HER SHOES OFF and sits criss cross applesauce (feet propped on this enormous foot pillow)
- Family reunion crew chitter chatters all through take off but I’m able to doze off for a bit to block it out
- We aren’t even done with take off before 3 members of the family reunion crew GET UP to get bags from overhead and then LOUDLY ASK other members if they need anything or thats what I pictured them asking. Flight attendants were all over those speakers telling people to SIT DOWN but family reunion crew didn’t listen.
- Flight attendants come through and hit my leg with the cart.
- Everyone and their mama had to come to the back to go pee which means they were all IN MY PERSONAL SPACE while waiting to take a piss
- Lady with diva comfort pillows opens up a box of cherries and proceeds to eat them and then SPIT the seeds out!!!
- Lady with diva comfort pillow decides she needs to get up to adjust all of her pillows which means her ASS was near me THE ENTIRE TIME.
- The so in love couple next to me having to get up 10 times to take a piss
- My leg cramped up
- My mood got worse
FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY the plane landed and I was able to take an uber to my apartment, make a grilled cheese sandwich, drink a michelada, pop two Benadryl AND GO TO SLEEP before before 8p. And that my friends is called “Real World Adulting”
Stay tuned because in a few days I will be posting about my work adventures in Nantucket!!! Ill be there for a month and a half. For now Im going to enjoy my last days of work freedom 😁.