So the other day my mom posted my pic on FB saying that I am fearless and that she wants to be like me when she grows up. Fearless… Me??? Are you serious??? I have never IN MY LIFE seen myself as fearless. NEVER.EVER. Fearless to me is no fear… of anything!!!! I do a lot of dumb shit but I kind of know my chances going in are ok. I’ve always kind of cared about what people think of me and how they see me. I’ve been scared of disappointing the people in my life. I’ve always been scared of taking chances because I always thought “What if I fail??” I hit 30 and basically said “FUCK IT” I took a job in Italy and lived there for a little over 2 years. I literally packed up ER’THANG and took the one way ticket out and was COOL with it!!! Was I scared?? HELL YES!!! I was moving to country where I didn’t know the language, how I would be received… NOTHING!!! All I knew was that I wanted to really live my life and this was the opportunity to do so. I got tired of Italy after a while and moved back home. A huge dream of mine was “Live in NYC!!!” When I was little it was because I wanted to model… yeh I quickly realized that I was not model material… AT ALL!!! I’m still not model material even though sometimes when I’m walking through the city in a fly ass outfit… I pretend I’m in a music video or commercial for perfume or something. Don’t judge me!!! HAHAHAHA!!! You would do it too!!! ANYWAY. I waited and waited and waited… Like almost a year before the opportunity came my way and I JUMPED and haven’t looked back. I’ve been in NYC for over 4 years now!!! LOVE IT!!!! I run stupid ass OCR races that have me jumping, climbing and throwing my body into crap over and over and over again. Would I have done this in my youth?? Maybe. I hit 30 and basically said “I would rather live my life the way I want to because I am not guaranteed to be here the next 20…30… 40 years. Hell I might not even be here in the next 5 years. YOU NEVER KNOW what’s ahead. Basically my motto for the past 7 years has been “FUCK IT… Lets see what happens” and so far its been pretty rad. I’ve learned a lot about myself. The main thing is that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I’ve taken a lot of shit from a lot of different people and still keep on ticking. One thing that I haven’t just thrown all caution to the wind with… is my heart. MAN!!! I guard that with barbed wire, electric fence and a combination lock!!! NO ONE has really gotten in. I let one person in when I was young… been guarded ever since. I want to date and I am ready to meet my King BUT I AM SCARED SHITLESS!!!! There are few people that I let all the way in. Hell most of my family isn’t even all the way in. There is real legit fear in letting someone in and then having everything fall apart. There is real fear in believing someone is THE ONE… and they turn out not to be. I am REEEEAAAAAAALLLLLY trying to let this go. It’s hard as hell though. Am I fearless?? I think in some ways I am. Would I think anyone would look up to me and want to be like me?? Uhhh no because in some ways I still feel like I haven’t done much in life. I’m almost 37 and flying by the seat of my pants. I’m a human dragon fly. I’m basically just letting the wind blow me in which ever direction and I’m just going along with it. I might take 3 steps forward and 15 steps back. Oh well. I guess there is still a lot that I need to learn about being fearless.
Its been a while!!!! I haven’t written mainly because I haven’t really had anything to write about. Oh well. Today I did the ultimate adulting…Paid a lot of bills. The main bill was rent which is basically like giving away my kidneys and part of a lung and a rib or two. I remember when I was little I wanted to grow up and I wanted bills so I could feel “important”. I was a weird kid. I was also that kid that wanted freckles and wrinkles in my forehead and for my ankles to pop when I walked. I was not lying when I said I was a weird kid. HAHAHA!!!! I thought growing up and adulting would be all the rage!!!! Do you know what my fun adulting consist of??? Oh its not what my 8 year old self considered fun at all.
- Canceled plans: As a kid, I wanted to be wherever there was action. Even though I was extremely shy and liked to blend in, I still wanted to be around EVERYTHING!!!! I wanted to play all the time and hang with my friends and be with the grown folks and blah blah blah. I hated when fun plans got canceled HATED IT!!! NOW: I happy dance my ass off when plans get canceled!!!! “Oh wait… you cant go?? Bummer… NOT” I change right out of those fancy clothes and into my 20 year old sweat pants, flop on the couch and watch every dopey movie I can get my hands on.
- Hair: Y’all I loved getting my hair done!!! I loved having a fresh hair do for school or church or just to go out and play. Learning how to use the crimping iron and curling iron were LIFE!!!! NOW: You cant PAY ME to comb my hair!!! I dread it!!! Do you know how many times I have gone out with my hair all kinds of raggedy?!?!?! Too many times to count and I have NO SHAME!!!! My mom cringes every time “Did you run a comb through your fro??” My answer is always “NOPE” and I can see her shudder. If we are on the phone, I can feel her shudder. I comb through this mass of hair once a week. Its always on a Sunday because thats wash day and wash day consists of me deep conditioning and twisting my hair up to last the work week
- Dressing up: OOOHHHHH MAAAAH GAHHHH!!!! When I was little I was as girly as they came. The pinker and fluffier the dress the better!!!! The more ruffles ***swoon*** NOW: HELL NO!!!! Im not dressing up unless I HAVE TO!!! I am more happy in my sweatpants, raggedy shirt and socks. Ruffles and flair?? FO WHAT?!?!?!?!
Its the little things that make me super duper happy!!! As I kid you want all the big glitz and glam and all of the hoorah. That all changes when you age!!
1`. New toys that whistle and make noise = happy squeal getting a brand spanking new spiral notebook to journal in.
2.Birthday parties galore = newest cheesy hallmark movie and being left the hell alone
3. New school clothes = new tights and shirts for the gym
4. Chucky Cheese = Donut shop or Shake Shack… Im not picky.
5. Wanting EVERYONE to like you = Not giving two shits about who likes you. 2 good friends is all you need.
6. All of the noise = AAAAAALLLL of the peace and quiet.
See how adulting wants are totally different from childing wants?????? ITS FREAKING AMAZING!!!!
Ok so everyone knows that I am like the adventurous workout queen. I love to find different studios that do out of the box cardio and strength training. I have been DYING to try pole classes. Thats right. Pole dancing… just without the stripper heels. Well I did it on Saturday and posted a video afterwards about my epic meltdown. I was being extra and was in my feelings and was just… I can’t even describe it. But doing that class bought back EVERY insecurity that I have ever had IN LIFE!!!! EVERY.SINGLE.ONE!!! Lets figure out why shall we??
Ok I am EXTREMELY SHY!!! Its crazy!!! I am totally at peace blending into my surroundings and people watching while eating popcorn or writing in my never ending journal. I don’t like standing out even though my giant purple fro says otherwise. HAHAHA!!! I have ALWAYS been shy but I thought I had gotten better about it. Growing up I would hide behind my mom or dad when going to gatherings or their friends houses. I blushed even if someone just said hi. I hated being in front of crowds… like to the point of hyperventilating!!! In high school our cafeteria was the freaking EPICENTER of everything. Its where ER’BODY hung out at. Going through the cafeteria was a nightmare for me because I always felt like people were watching and I felt like I was being laughed at. I did everything in my power to avoid that place. I would lap the whole damn school to get to a single class. 2 minutes to class through the cafeteria… 7 minutes taking the long route. Guess which way I always went?? If I had to go through;I always walked with my head down going like 90 mph. I STILL hate being in front of people and do everything in my power to stay out of the spot light!!! JUST LET ME BLEND!!! Deep down I’m still that awkward black girl who can’t find that spot where she fits. Now I just cover up my anxiety about it with humor and sarcasm. Being 36 I can’t hide behind anyone anymore so I hide behind sarcasm. It works… or it did until I did that damn pole class. I was so out of my element!!!! I can’t roll my body. I don’t know how to be flirty. I do not know how to be this sensuous person. I do not know how to let caution go to the wind and work my body the way our instructor was having us do. For 80 percent of the class I was like “What the fuck am I doing??” Im technical. I have to see every step down to the smallest movement of the fingers and in my mind “I HAVE TO GET IT RIGHT” I was trying to break down everything in my head instead of just going with it. The freak out didn’t happen until she would turn down the lights and tell us to make up our own routines with what we learned. No one was watching me. Everyone was too busy trying to work their pole. ME?? I was too busy FREAKING OUT because in my mind everyone was watching me and in my mind I was doing everything wrong. I basically beat myself up and didn’t know how to stop. In that hour and 30 minutes I turned into the weird 15 year old at Martin high school. It didn’t help that the chick I was paired with who said she had only done the class ONCE was doing gosh damn fan kicks and splits while holding the pole and whipping her hair all about . BITCH REALLY?!?!?! REALLY?!?!?!?! Why couldn’t I be paired with the chick in the back who was just as lost as I was?? So this one class basically broke me for a day. So now I have to go back to this freaking pole dancing class so I can slay these demons that still haunt me even though they shouldn’t!!!
One of the hardest things to do in LIFE is to leave your comfort and move on to something different. It’s so hard to break free!!! SOOOOOO HAAAAAARD **insert ugly cry wall slide here** Yes I am being dramatic BUT WHATEVER!!! I have hit this kind of super comfort lazy zone with just about ER’THANG in my life. My New Years resolution… Hell I didn’t have one. I have been in a FUNK for the past week or so. Like my attitude was BEYOND stank!! I wasn’t mean to anyone or super rude but I was just in a “Give no fucks” attitude. “Whatever happens… happens” Kind of attitude. I think my hormones were just out of whack but again… WHATEVER!!! So this weekend I have been feeling better and I think part of that is because I am TRYING to change parts of my diet. My diet has been one of “Give zero fucks” kind of things for most of 2017. The last few months my allergies have been KILLING ME!!! No sense of smell and congestion that just won’t quit. Who knew that the nose could produce so much freaking snot!!! Ive been living off of nose sprays and allergy/cold meds. Well I finally got sick of it and decided to make some changes. The big change… KILLING DAIRY. Thats right I am taking dairy out of my diet. OOOOOOH MAAAAAH GAHHHHH! Its the hardest thing in the world!!! Its not that I drink milk ( I hate milk. Never liked it) but I use it in my cereal and cooking. I also use a shit ton of creamer when drinking coffee and sometimes thats 3 cups of coffee a day. Last week I drank my coffee black. I screwed up on cheese because I made pizza for the kids and then grilled cheese another day. I eat meals with the kids so they will eat their food and yeh that was my back slide right there.
Friday when I left work I decided to go grocery shopping so I could implement these diet changes at home AND the temps dipped to single digits so you already know my black ass was moving nowhere outside of this here apartment. I bought vegan cheddar slices, almond milk and vegan coffee creamer. I feel better. I’m not sluggish and my attitude isn’t bad. I had a ton of energy and slept really good. I’m still congested at times but I got my sense of smell back for a few minutes and then it left again.
I figure that I am going to document all of this and see how it goes. I need the good LAWD to lay hands on my sinuses and clear out all of the SNOT!!!! AMEN and AMEND!!! LOL!!!
Another thing that Im working on is getting back to be being physically active. I was kind of blah for most of 2017. No desire, no drive, no real motivation. Ive signed up for my first Spartan race for 2018 and I want to sign up for a few more and try some other races as well. This week is the beginning of training for me. Im going to keep hitting the gym for weights, machines and light cardio but I’m also going to be going to some cool studios to try different workouts. Im going to try pole dancing, hoops and silks. And I am also going to do the spider bands class again. This is just the beginning.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Bringing in the new year didn’t feel like “bringing in the new year” I have been off a little bit since I got back from vacation and I just have really had no desire what so ever to move from the corner spot on my sofa. I have had no desire to change the TV channel from Hallmark to something else. Even though I’m not even watching it… Im reading a book but yet I still can’t bring myself to turn off my TV or change the channel to something my mom would want to watch. Every year I make resolutions that I NEVER stick to. Save more money, eat better, work out more, be more positive, love ER’BODY… I never stick to ANY of it and for the past couple of days… I could really give 3 shits about it. You want to know what my 2018 resolutions are??
Thats right. I know I wrote them down somewhere but as I sit here in a haze… will they really be something that I stick to?? Will I even care?? Probably not. I will find them somewhere down the road because its written down in one of the 300 journals that I have stowed away all over my apartment. And I will think “Aren’t these the same things I wrote down for 2017?? Huh”
Y’ALL!!! I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE!!!! IM NOT READY TO GO BACK TO ADULTING!!!! I’M.NOT.READY!!! Today is our day to depart the beautiful country. Whats crazy awesome is that I think our hosts were more sad than we were!!!! She said that she was going to miss us and that she hopes that I am able to come back in June. She invited me to dinner and all kinds of activities with them. Costa Rica has been AHH_MAZING!!!! Costa Rica owes me NOTHING!!! NO-THING do you hear me??? This place has given me AAAAALLLL of my life back and then some. Let me name the many ways this place was awesome
- Las Voiles Blanches- This was our bed and breakfast. Karyn and Michael are husband and wife that run this amazing tiny hotel with their 4 year old son. They made sure that everything we needed was taken care of and went ABOVE AND BEYOND to make sure we were happy with EVERYTHING!!! They helped us find taxi drivers, helped set up any excursion that I requested. Recommended all the best restaurants and beaches and were just really nice down to earth people. It was reasonable priced and I totally got the tropical feel. Our room was amazing and nice sized. Our bathroom was awesome and basically outdoors, breakfast was always amazing and FRESH. The coffee gave life and conversation with the both of them was always light hearted and fun. BEAUTIFUL souls!!!! I will be back and will continue to try to visit every year and every year I am going to stay with them.
- Pinilla Canopy Tours- THEY WERE AWESOME!!! The guides were well trained and super awesome. They were fun and had amazing humor. They added a level of fun to the course that was totally not expected. At the end of the amazing zips and jumps they treated us to FRESH Pineapple.
- Luxury ATV Tamarindo with Bruno- BRUNOOOOOOOOOO!!! This was one of the coolest things I have EVER done. Its another one of those things that I can totally check off of my bucket list. I was Tina Turner in Mad Max for 3 hours. For 3 hours you couldn’t tell me SHIT!!! I got to fly down the beach, through forested areas and dirt roads without a care in the world.
- Go Adventure Tours- OUR HIKE!!!! I got to see the main reason for coming to Costa Rica!!! I got my waterfall!!!! I didnt get to jump into it but I got to see it. I got to experience what humid sulfur filled volcano steam felt like. I got see different monkeys in their natural element. I got to HIKE IN Costa Rica!!! Then they fed us lunch AND THEN ON TOP OF THAT we got a spa day!!! WINNNNNNNING!!!!!!!
- Banana Surf Club- Manuel….. The FINEST surf instructor EVER!!!! He was amazing!!!! I surfed like a wanna be pro!!! I ate a lot of water a few times and was SLAMMED by a few waves. I think the kicker was every time I was slammed by the water, my swim bottoms would slide down. Have you ever tried to hold on to a board and your swimsuit!!! I was like “Sorry for showing my ass!!!!” It was so much fun though. 2 hours of surf time was the best ever.
Y’all This has been the trip of a life time. I had to pull out my rusty ass Spanish from 9th grade but I made it work. I experienced a part of life that I kind never thought I would experience. Its things that you only dream about but I MADE my dreams come true. 7 days of amazingness. 7 days of letting go. 7 days of giving zero fucks. 7 days of freedom. I can not WAIT until its time to travel again.
So day 7 of the adventure train!!!! We woke up bright and early because thats what we do. But hold up. Let me rewind. So around 2 or three in the morning. We heard some banging on the roof and then it sounded like something slammed against the door in our bathroom. Mom was WIGGING out. I was half sleep so I was like ” Its probably just a howler monkey or something… Our bathroom is out in the open.” Well 10 minutes later we heard it again. So I got up to turn on the light… and lock the bathroom door. I am cracking up about it now. My first thought was “Damn it they took my hair cream and cant figure out how to get it open!!! I need that hair cream!!!” It was like a baby monkey was acting a fool and the mama was like “Let me handle you real quick” **proceeds to whoop ass** You know you are freaked out when you wake up at 5 because you have to pee… but you lay there wondering “Do I really have to go?? I mean… if its between pissing the bed and fighting a monkey… I’m going to piss the bed” Well I got up, turned on the bathroom light and slowly peeked in. Nothing was there and everything was in tact. BUT I did pee with the door open so if I needed to get up and run, I had a clear shot. HAHAHAHAHA. We finally started moving around 630ish. We didn’t really have plans for the day but we knew we were going to be beaching it and drinking… You know the important things that you do on a tropical vacation.
The only adventure of the day was driving 40 minutes to a beach… in a dirt buggy. Y’all when we arrived at the beach we were COVERED in dust!!! My fro started out all fluffy and beautiful. My color patch was a nice rose gold because the hot pink is washing out but by the time we got to the beach I was like the dirt monster sneezed on us!!! It looked like we had been through a wind tunnel. HAHAHHAHAHA!! We unpacked our buggy, found a great spot on the beach and parked it for a few hours. We unloaded all of our food and drank and made a short day of it.
We tried to find another beach that our hosts told us about but we couldn’t seem to find it. What did we do?? We trucked the 40 minutes back to Tamarindo and went to our favorite taco spot. We ordered tacos, and all of the micheladas we could drink because they were AMAZING!!! I made buddy buddy with the owner and he gave me his recipe!!! YAAAAAAAS!!! We returned out dirt buggy and hitched a ride with a taxi driver back to our bed and breakfast. We had time to shower, and chill before the sleep bug bit us and it was lights out.