Beautiful

I LOVE LOVE LOVE being black. There are so many different shades and dimensions that its unfreaking real. LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! I know I talk about loving yourself every couple of blogs but thats because I’m really serious about it and its something that hits home with me. I used to be ashamed of my color but now I LOVE the different shades of me. I hated going outside in the summer because I have what I refer to as “Insta-tan” Ten minutes in the sun and Im already 3 shades darker. No joke. I can wear all the sunscreen in the world… SPF 100… Does NOTHING for me!!! I remember when I would go to the pool with my friends I would lie on the beach chair and cover my body with a towel and just leave my hair out.  I didn’t want to get darker. Even when I was 30 I wore HUGE hats so I wouldn’t get darker. Guess what… IM DONE!!! Summer is not my favorite time of year… but thats because I don’t like being hot. Ohhhh honey me and heat do NOT mix at all. But my color yooooooo. My tan is UNREAL!!!! The past few years I have really really been embracing who and what I am. I haven’t really given two shits what others think of me because their opinions don’t matter. Someone out there will LOVE my magic chocolate charm and I can’t wait to meet that lucky man!!!! I’ve had like SERIOUS sit down moments with myself to embrace everything about me. Summer turns my skin this AMAZING bronzed mocha!! I have a LOT of red tones in my skin during the summer. During the cooler months I have more yellow tones.  Boy the red comes OUT in the summer. My skin is this rich dark chocolate but the hair on my arms turns blonde and thats what gives me the bronzed glow.  My hair… My hair is like its own being. FOR REAL.   I have like NO control over this head. HAHAHAHA!!! Its naturally this light sandy brown color. The summer sun turns it gold with blonde highlights. I haven’t seen my natural hair color in a while because I keep it dyed black. Well its been months since I have used a box of hair color and baby this sandy hair of mine is SHOWING OUT!!! The top is bleached so its really an awesome mix of colors I have going on. The tips of my eye lashes turn blonde so I HAVE to keep mascara on them because other wise it looks like I set them on fire. The only thing that I am NOT crazy about is that I now sunburn. OHHHH MAH GAH! I burn on my arms!!! Nowhere else. Just my arms!!!

LOVE WHO YOU ARE!! Love yourself. No one can really show you love until you love yourself. Its the stride in your step. The set of your shoulders, the way you hold your head up high, the smile that you show the world and the energy that you radiate. YES!!!!

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She Is Free

“She is free” What does that mean? She.Is. Free. Those three words right there can be taken so many different ways. How do those three words resonate with you. Take a minute and think about it. I have time. **checking watch**

She is free is a women’s conference through my church. I have wanted to attend but haven’t had the chance to due to work/travel  schedule.Its bananas. That does not mean that these 3 powerful words don’t resonate. I.AM.FREE. That to me means EVERYTHING.I am free from your negative energy, I am free from your opinions of me. I am free from what society says is true beauty. I am free from what society portrays as
success. I am free from peoples ideas of who and what I should be. I am free. I have learned to free myself from that negative little voice that chills on your shoulder day in and day out. I.AM.FREE… and because I am free my value is out of this world. I don’t come cheap. My heavenly Father placed a price tag on me that can’t be matched. I am one of a kind and there is no one like me. Im an original. I CAN NOT be duplicated. Its not being cocky; its being confident. I am shy, I am not loud, and for the most part I like to try to blend in. Im happy in my shapeless dress, no make up  and head scarf. I am happy. Happiness comes where you recognize that YOU ARE FREE. “She is bold. She is courageous. She is free.”   I am done seeking everyones approval. It does not matter. It sucks that it took me so long to figure this out but better late than never. I’ll be damned if I sit here and let someone or something take away all that I am and all that I was created to be. I.AM.FREE. **MIC DROP**

2 Year Mark

Well that does it kiddos. I have officially been in NYC for 2 years!!! I still love it here!! In a few weeks I will be 35… OH MAH GAH!! My mom asked me how I feel about where I am in life. I feel good. I know I could be doing WAY better in certain parts of my life but I have basically just been LIVING. It took me years to LIVE… I mean really LIVE and I AM LOVING IT. I remember in my teens and early twenties I figured I would be married with a high powered career and NO kids by now. I was going to be a doctor living in NYC and at the top of my game. Lets fast forward shall we. I am going on 35… I am not a doctor, I am not married nor have I ever really been in love. I have accomplished two things on that list

  1. I live in NY
  2. I don’t have kids

I am happy though. I do not ask for much. I am a fairly simple person and I am ok with that. I have been blessed with an amazing career as a nanny.  I have been blessed with a few great friends (thats all you really need). I have been blessed with health. I have discovered that I am semi athletic and from someone who was NOT athletic growing up that is AWESOME. I love the woman that I have become and I still have room to grow spiritually, mentally, and financially. I think the only thing that nags me every once in a  while is that fact that I am STILL single. I LOVE being single but I have my moments when I wouldn’t mind sharing ONE pillow with someone else. Yesterday while driving 3 hours to Charolette I was listening to Esperanza Spalding (LOVE HER) and I was totally relaxed. Out of nowhere I thought. “I would love to one day just be able to curl up with my boyfriend/fiancee/husband on the couch, listen to jazz and talk music all day.” I figure right now God is still working on me. He is not going to give something that I am not totally ready for. I am ok with that. I am ok with continuing to learn and grow and figure things out. I am ok with walking around the city and taking everything in that I can because I know one day is going to be the day when I have to give up my single, bed hogging, not sharing takeout, no hair combing, spread eagle bed days. The day is coming when I have to give all of that up **sheds thug tears** 2 years in NYC and going on 35… Man I can’t wait to see what this year holds for me.

Beauty

Growing up I never felt beautiful. It took a while for me to move past that and find my own beauty. I struggled with acne and just the regular awkward things that teens struggle with. As a young adult I hid behind LAYERS and LAYERS of makeup because thats the only way that I felt beautiful.  I am now 34 going on 35 and man have I grown. I still have my moments but for the most part… I LOVE ME. I love everything from my big nappy hair to my rich mocha skin. I love my freckles and my hazel brown eyes. I love the woman that I have become inside and out. When I work I keep my hair tied back or under a hat, no makeup and my clothes are pretty shapeless. I’m at work. I am a nanny so me dressing in my best clothes and wearing makeup is kind of weird. Clothes are ruined because Im running and rolling on the floor. There is play doh and cooking and all kinds of stuff that just do not do well with being “beautiful”  while working.  The thing is that I do not feel ugly. I feel amazing and I am confident in who I am. My bosses tell me that I should showcase my beauty. I feel that people should be able to see the beauty in my eyes or my smile or the way I talk. When I go out for a night of fun I will play up my eyes and add a little blush to the cheeks, hell I might throw on a dress and heels. When its just me time, I feel most beautiful when my hair is BIG and free. I feel gorgeous without  makeup and just walking in a tank top, jeans and a pair of old converse. I feel beautiful letting the sun bring out the golden bronze tones in my skin and letting the freckles dance across my face. I feel beautiful just being in my natural element.So my question is what makes you feel beautiful?? What makes you feel like you stand out in your own way? What makes you a queen of your world? What makes you feel like you? I would LOVE to hear from everyone.

Love

This journey of being single has been teaching me a lesson about loving myself… Flaws and all.  Im flawed… Hell we all are. Not now one of us is perfect by any means. The trick is to make the best of what you have and who you are. I tell this story all the time but growing up it took me YEARS to be comfortable with who I am. I went to all white schools and had all white friends. All the black guys seemed to like all of the white girls or girls that were lighter than me, had “good hair” or… just anything but me. I wasn’t fast. I wasn’t super outgoing. I was shy… still am at times, and I was awkward (SUPER AWKWARD). Even in my 20s I was still not really happy with who I was and my look. It wasn’t until I reached my 30s that I said “SCREW THE WORLD I LOVE ME!!!!”  I love that I am different. I LOVE my chocolate skin and I am even starting to not freak out when I get darker during the summer. I now see it as this really awesome bronze to my already dark skin. I love how my hair is nappy and twists and turns. I love my hazel eyes and how you can see everything you need to see through them. I am geeky, I am weird at times,and I am goofy. I have a super short attention span. Im bad with budgeting. I am flighty. I act quick without thinking of all of the consequences sometimes( Gotten myself into a few doozies). Im athletic and non athletic all at the same time. I have a tendency to over indulge on junk food. I also have a tendency to be standoffish and introverted even though I am extroverted… Im an extroverted introvert. Does that make sense?? I am slightly pigeon toed. I have cellulite and would rather live in cut off sweats and tee shirts than regular clothes.  Guess what?? I STILL LOVE WHO I AM!!! God made me this way for a reason. There is someone out there that is the carrots to my peas, the PB to my J,lemon to my ade, the bubbles to my beer, the grilled to my cheese… you get where I’m going.