Ok so everyone knows that I am like the adventurous workout queen. I love to find different studios that do out of the box cardio and strength training. I have been DYING to try pole classes. Thats right. Pole dancing… just without the stripper heels. Well I did it on Saturday and posted a video afterwards about my epic meltdown. I was being extra and was in my feelings and was just… I can’t even describe it. But doing that class bought back EVERY insecurity that I have ever had IN LIFE!!!! EVERY.SINGLE.ONE!!! Lets figure out why shall we??
Ok I am EXTREMELY SHY!!! Its crazy!!! I am totally at peace blending into my surroundings and people watching while eating popcorn or writing in my never ending journal. I don’t like standing out even though my giant purple fro says otherwise. HAHAHA!!! I have ALWAYS been shy but I thought I had gotten better about it. Growing up I would hide behind my mom or dad when going to gatherings or their friends houses. I blushed even if someone just said hi. I hated being in front of crowds… like to the point of hyperventilating!!! In high school our cafeteria was the freaking EPICENTER of everything. Its where ER’BODY hung out at. Going through the cafeteria was a nightmare for me because I always felt like people were watching and I felt like I was being laughed at. I did everything in my power to avoid that place. I would lap the whole damn school to get to a single class. 2 minutes to class through the cafeteria… 7 minutes taking the long route. Guess which way I always went?? If I had to go through;I always walked with my head down going like 90 mph. I STILL hate being in front of people and do everything in my power to stay out of the spot light!!! JUST LET ME BLEND!!! Deep down I’m still that awkward black girl who can’t find that spot where she fits. Now I just cover up my anxiety about it with humor and sarcasm. Being 36 I can’t hide behind anyone anymore so I hide behind sarcasm. It works… or it did until I did that damn pole class. I was so out of my element!!!! I can’t roll my body. I don’t know how to be flirty. I do not know how to be this sensuous person. I do not know how to let caution go to the wind and work my body the way our instructor was having us do. For 80 percent of the class I was like “What the fuck am I doing??” Im technical. I have to see every step down to the smallest movement of the fingers and in my mind “I HAVE TO GET IT RIGHT” I was trying to break down everything in my head instead of just going with it. The freak out didn’t happen until she would turn down the lights and tell us to make up our own routines with what we learned. No one was watching me. Everyone was too busy trying to work their pole. ME?? I was too busy FREAKING OUT because in my mind everyone was watching me and in my mind I was doing everything wrong. I basically beat myself up and didn’t know how to stop. In that hour and 30 minutes I turned into the weird 15 year old at Martin high school. It didn’t help that the chick I was paired with who said she had only done the class ONCE was doing gosh damn fan kicks and splits while holding the pole and whipping her hair all about . BITCH REALLY?!?!?! REALLY?!?!?!?! Why couldn’t I be paired with the chick in the back who was just as lost as I was?? So this one class basically broke me for a day. So now I have to go back to this freaking pole dancing class so I can slay these demons that still haunt me even though they shouldn’t!!!