So Extra

Ok so everyone knows that I am like the adventurous workout queen. I love to find different studios that do out of the box cardio and strength training. I have been DYING to try pole classes. Thats right. Pole dancing… just without the stripper heels. Well I did it on Saturday and posted a video afterwards about my epic meltdown. I was being extra and was in my feelings and was just… I can’t even describe it. But doing that class bought back EVERY insecurity that I have ever had IN LIFE!!!! EVERY.SINGLE.ONE!!! Lets figure out why shall we??

Ok I am EXTREMELY SHY!!! Its crazy!!! I am totally at peace blending into my surroundings and people watching while eating popcorn or writing in my never ending journal. I don’t like standing out even though my giant purple fro says otherwise. HAHAHA!!!  I have ALWAYS been shy but I thought I had gotten better about it. Growing up I would hide behind my mom or dad when going to gatherings or their friends houses. I blushed even if someone just said hi. I hated being in front of crowds… like to the point of hyperventilating!!! In high school our cafeteria was the freaking EPICENTER of everything. Its where ER’BODY hung out at. Going through the cafeteria was a nightmare for me because I always felt like people were watching and I felt like I was being laughed at. I did everything in my power to avoid that place. I would lap the whole damn school to get to a single class. 2 minutes to class through the cafeteria… 7 minutes taking the long route. Guess which way I always went?? If I had to go through;I always walked with my head down going like 90 mph. I STILL hate being in front of people and do everything in my power to stay out of the spot light!!! JUST LET ME BLEND!!! Deep down I’m still that awkward black girl who can’t find that spot where she fits. Now I just cover up my anxiety about it with humor and sarcasm. Being 36 I can’t hide behind anyone anymore so I hide behind sarcasm. It works… or it did until I did that damn pole class. I was so out of my element!!!! I can’t roll my body. I don’t know how to be flirty. I do not know how to be this sensuous person. I do not know how to let caution go to the wind and work my body the way our instructor was having us do. For 80 percent of the class I was like “What the fuck am I doing??” Im technical. I have to see every step down to the smallest movement of the fingers and in my mind “I HAVE TO GET IT RIGHT” I was trying to break down everything in my head instead of just going with it. The freak out didn’t happen until she would turn down the lights and tell us to make up our own routines with what we learned. No one was watching me. Everyone was too busy trying to work their pole. ME?? I was too busy FREAKING OUT because in my mind everyone was watching me and in my mind I was doing everything wrong. I basically beat myself up and didn’t know how to stop. In that hour and 30 minutes I turned into the weird 15 year old at Martin high school. It didn’t help that the chick I was paired with who said she had only done the class ONCE was doing gosh damn fan kicks and splits while holding the pole and whipping her hair all about . BITCH REALLY?!?!?! REALLY?!?!?!?! Why couldn’t I be paired with the chick in the back who was just as lost as I was??  So this one class basically broke me for a day. So now I have to go back to this freaking pole dancing class so I can slay these demons that still haunt me even though they shouldn’t!!!



So today yo… I can’t even describe today. I will cut it short by saying it was a LONG FREAKING DAY!!! Anyway the end of my day was CRAP!!! And I am not figuratively speaking. So we all know that I am a nanny. Well I was giving the youngest kiddo a bath. She’s 18 months.  She is splashing and playing. I am making bubbles with soap and my hands and she’s laughing. Well she laughed so hard at one point that she farted. Well that made bubbles in the water and a funny noise which made her laugh harder. Well a few minutes go by and she is trying to make booty bubbles again.  I looked away to get more bath soap for bubbles when I looked down and almost died. It was like something out of the movie Alien. Homegirl SHIT… IN THE TUB!!! I saw what she had for breakfast lunch and dinner ooze out of her ass and float to the top of the bathwater like some kind of alien blob of crap being born from the mother ship. OHHHHH MAAAAAAH GAHHHH!  I screamed which scared the poor child and she must of clenched the butt cheeks because the alien making factory was shut down. THANK GOD!!! Y’all… I had to rewash her, and then hand her off to grandparents so I could disinfect the bathtub. I gagged the 20 minutes it took me to get everything cleaned. Now I have been a nanny for a while. Ive been puked on, shit on, cleaned shit, sneezed on, had boogers stuck to me… YOU NAME IT!!! Ive seen it all. But this… today?? I about died right there on the spot!!!

Why Me?!?!

When I am at work,I look like my work. I look like I run after a 2 year old day in and day out. My attire usually consists of jeans, some kind of tee shirt, a hoodie and running shoes. I never wear makeup and nine times out of ten my hair is tied back in a head wrap or under a beanie. I don’t mean to look like a rag doll but its pretty much written in the stars DAILY that I am going to be covered in some form of food, play dough , juice or whatever else gets spilled or thrown in the house. Well today I was in my regular work attire and had to make a trip to whole foods for the grocery shopping. I hadn’t eaten breakfast so of course I had to grab the biggest glazed donut that they had. I did the grocery shopping  and walked out happily mowing through my donut like I hadn’t eaten in 10 years. I think my eyes even rolled to the back of my head a few times (It was that good). So as I am walking and taking dinosaur sized bites… I pass the HOTTEST man I have ever seen in my LIFE! He also decided to look my way as I was shoveling in my donut. Why God?!?!?! I have no idea if he was single or taken, gay or straight. All I know is that he was GORGEOUS and here I was looking like who did it and what while chewing my way through sugar heaven. This always happens to me!!! When I am cute and all snazzy I don’t see ANYONE but let me come out the house in sweatpants, rain boots, and puffy jacket… ER’BODY and they mama comes out the wood works to cross my path!!! **Heavy sigh**