The people that are closest to me know that I LOVE music. I always have. I grew up listening to a variety of genres. I remember rocking my moms Sting and the Police cassette in my strawberry shortcake boombox when I was five( Yeh I was THAT super cool kid). I listened to hip hop, R&B, Rock, classic rock, funk, old school, and a LOT of jazz. When I hit jr. high I was introduced to punk and grunge. Music gives me life and I cannot function without it. It can hype me up for a great workout, get me ready for a night of dancing with friends, calm me down from wanting to punch someone in the throat, make me remember the past and sometimes put me in a zone to where I am imagining my future. My dad is a musician and ALL of his friends are musicians soooooo music has ALWAYS been a part of my life. I can NOT play an instrument though. I have ridiculously long fingers so everyone thinks I can play piano… I can’t. I have no musical talent. I can’t sing either… Ohhhh but I try really really hard when I am alone. (I know I am not the only one. Don’t judge me). Right now I am listening to Esperanza Spalding. All of her albums give me my entire life back. OH MAH GAH!!! The girl is AMAZING and her new album has me jamming day in and day out. I LOVE jazz. It makes me happy and it relaxes me. I can thank my dad for that. Listening to jazz on pandora is like being 10 again and going to his gigs when I didn’t have a baby sitter. But back to what I am jamming right now. Esperanza Spalding is AMAZING and I had the pleasure of seeing her live in Prospect Park last summer. Hoping I can catch another concert and soon. You know who else I want to see in concert?? Gregory Porter. Are there any fellow music lovers out there?? Does anyone have something I need to get hip to?
When you are single everyone is like “Hey have you tried this dating app??” or “Ohhh girl try this dating site. My friends grandmother daughters niece met her husband on this site”I don’t have luck on ANY of these damn things. The guys are either weird, super creepy or old enough to be my parent… HELL NO!!! I had a guy send me a message and he used NO punctuation anywhere in his email. All words were written in slang and it did NOTHING for me. One guy sent me a message and when I saw his picture… He had on more lipgloss than me. NEEEEEXXXXT!! I could go on and on and on about my dating website stories. I hate the process. Its like there is no such thing as meeting the good old fashioned way anymore. Instead of the creepy guy at the end of the bar giving you an exaggerated wink and the “call me” sign; It’s a creepy guy sending you a
“Hey how you doing” message while his profile pic is him with his hands behind his head, with his taco meat looking chest hair on display while wearing a crap ton of lipgloss and doing the duck lips. (Longest sentence EVER but everything written is TRUTH). Why is it so hard to meet the tall handsome guy, who has a job, works hard, loves God and his family, likes to run OCR and workout without being a total meat head, with dimples, a snarky sense of humor and a love for all things donuts and burgers?? (I know thats asking a lot)
As we all know… I am single. Duh the name of my blog says it all. I always wonder who I am going to end up with. Growing up my uncle always said “You are going to marry a white guy.” Really?!?!? Was it because I went to all white schools? Is it because I speak proper English? Im confused. Will a black man not love me as I am? Fill me in here. I am attracted to both black and white. My only thing is that if I do end up with a white guy will he fight for me and those like me? Will he stand up for what is right? If I feel the need to get out and march will he march with me? Will I have to look not as “ethnic” around certain groups of people?? If there is a “No” to any of the first three then he’s gotta keep it moving. If there is a “Yes” to the last question then he needs to keep it moving. With a black man I already know he will fight for me, march with me, and stand his ground for me. Im asking God “Who will it be?” and he is just like “Wait and see” Here is the deal: I am not good at waiting. Im getting better BUT I still have issues with it. I am learning to walk the path of the unknown. Even though I have been doing it for a while; its still hard to let go of control. God is working with me on that. ITS SOOOOOO HARD!!!! **face palm**
Today was a really good day!!! I was even motivated to mosey on down to the house gym and get my workout on. SAY WHAT?!?!?! Oh and I lasted over 20 minutes on the treadmill. **fist pump** I had to do like 5 different things on the treadmill though to keep my attention with it. 5 minutes running at 5.0 speed and 2.5 incline, side gallops at 2.5 speed for 2 minutes each side. Then it was 5 minutes at 3.0 speed and 15.0 incline and the last of it was walking backwards at 2.5 speed at 2.5 incline. Doing all of this actually got me through an entire workout on a machine that I HATE!!! Today was also leg day which means Im going to be walking a little stiff tomorrow. I got all of that in and then did the right thing and instead of running to shake shack for my cheeseburger and cheese fries I went to CHOPT for a giant salad. I want to see how this goes body wise. See if I feel any better. I didn’t have sugar today which means my allergies didn’t kick my ass for once. SN: I’m allergic to sugar. Im not going to lie man, I really really REALLY wanted to go and get that slice of cheesecake BUT I didn’t (Just had them put EXTRA apples in my salad to give me the sweet kick).
I don’t really have body issues. I mean I have the regular issues like everyone else “Feeling pudgy” “OH MAH GAH I have dimples in my legs… oh well” ” Hold up… Do I have wings under my arms?!?!? Where the hell did they come from?!?!?!?!” See I have the regular issues like every one else. Today as I was leaving to get dinner I caught a side view of myself and I was like “Holy shit my legs are long” Second thought was “GAH the running tights do wonders for hiding my dimples. THANK YOU COMPRESSION PANTS” My third thought was ” I really have no ass… I guess God forgot to bless me with that like he forgot the dancing gene. Thats ok though.” **heavy sigh as I bust out in the running man and Roger Rabbit**
How am I supposed to find stability in a world thats shaking….. Justin Tarsik
So today I woke up ON TIME. Made it to community group meeting… I ate an ENTIRE mini cheesecake but that’s not important. It was so good but let me get back on topic. After community group meeting, it was time for church. I love my church. I always feel God move when I go. I’m going to be totally honest. I HAVE BEEN LAZY in my spiritual walk lately. LA-ZY. I talk to er’body( yes I said Er’body) and everything and do anything and EVERYTHING but only give God a TINY portion of my time. It’s been quick prayers, no real meditating, no real seeking. I have just been going through the motions of life. I know thats what I have been doing and todays word TOTALLY confirmed that “You know dag gone well you have been lazy. You want this relationship with Me but you STOPPED seeking Me. Uhh you better do something about that.” Yes the Lord slapped me upside the head today and HARD. I can tell when I fall off too because my patience is short, attitude is BAD and I am tired and drained all the time. It also gave me a push in some other areas of my life:Diet, exercise, finances… ALL OF THAT. I will get it back together because its the only way to go and I don’t really have a choice. Wait… I do have a choice but I am going to pick the right one now. That was my lightbulb moment for the day.
You know when you go to sleep with goals??? “Im going to wake up and hit the gym. Better yet… I’m going to RUN to the gym and then get my full workout in.” “I’m going to do laundry and clean my room and finish crocheting this blanket.” “I am going to start journaling again and meditate. Hell I might even get back into yoga”
Now fast forward to waking up. “You know what… I’m just going to lay here. Nope not moving. I need coffee. Coffee is good. Wait that means I have to get up… never mind.” “I love my bed and it is totally loving me right now.” “I can run later today right?? Do I really need to do laundry?? Hmmmm maybe I should close my eyes, snuggle back in and really think about these life choices that are being forced on me right now.” I am really not about “productive life” right now. I AM about the “stay in bed all day, snuggled in my blankets and pillows while watching Netflix and thinking of ordering breakfast takeout” kind of life at the moment and it sounds pretty damn good if you ask me.
I had goals and then what had happened was… I kind of changed them at the last minute. It happens **snuggles back into blankets with a heavy happy sigh**