Quiet

Whats up fellow bloggers?!?!?!?!?! Im baaaaaack. Its been a world wind month/ month and a half. Work has been keeping me busy and I just haven’t really had anything to talk about. I take that back. I have had a SHIT ton to talk about I just didn’t know how to say it all. It was a lot. A.LOT!!! Ive been going non stop which means my mind has been in constant go go go mode. We landed in Nantucket and I got a whopping 4 days off. The past 4 days I have been determined to find QUIET. Its kind of hard when there is constant noise. Its also hard when you are that person with a really short attention span. Im used to my mind jumping from one subject to another. When things are too quiet for me, I start to get nervous. Its weird don’t ask.Quiet for me is plugging in my ear buds and listening to whatever I am in the mood for. Quiet for me is day dreaming about what could be and what I want or whereI want to be. Thats quiet for me. BUT I have been DETERMINED to figure out how to just sit in silence. Day before yesterday I ran the 1.67 miles to the beach… In the fog… by myself. I ran and then when I reached the beach I took out my earbuds and just sat. The only sounds were the waves hitting the shore. There were no voices… Only the sounds of God’s creations. I criss crossed my legs, closed my eyes and proceeded to try to find my quiet place. It took a hot minute. I get wigged out when things are too still or too quiet but I turned off my over active brain and focused… On silence. Yooooooo I FOUND IT!!!! I was able to tune out and center myself for I don’t know how long. It could’ve been 10 minutes… It could have been 30 minutes. All I know is that I was able to do it. OH MAH GAH it was amazing!!!! I tried to do it again today but there was too much going on around me. Tomorrow is my last day off so Im going to try to wake up early for another run to the beach so I can absorb the stillness.

 

OAN: Did you guys start singing the Bjork version of “Its ohhhh so Quiet… shhhhhh shhhhhh” BWAHAHAHAH I totally did. ¬†Im a cornball like that.

Random Thoughts

– I don’t know. At times I feel like I’m being swallowed. Pretty sure it’s my own doing.

– Exhausted. I gotta change everything cause my energy is all wonky.

– Walking through Paddington Station I stopped and asked a lady for directions. She stopped mid sentence ” You’re either American or African. You are beautiful!!! Your skin is AMAZING” I have been a little depressed so that kind of made my day. Love when melanated women from all over the world show mad love to one another.

– Feeling great but slightly rushed . It’s ok though. I’m still able to relax a bit. Breakfast alone @ a place called Megan’s, drinking coffee while surrounded by Botox inflated unity white people. I’ve gotten a few stares. Don’t hate me because my natural black is beautiful ūüôā 

– That moment when your wireless earbuds give up on life for the day so you are then forced to listen to the world around you… when you don’t want to.

– When you like your silence… but your silence is creating your own world with your own music pumping through your earbuds for the soundtrack. That’s not really silence is it?

– When something up close seems so big but when you step away it’s really quite small in the grand scheme of life.

Love/Hate/Love

Hey Uncle Danny. We didn’t have the TIGHTEST of relationships. But that didn’t mean that you were not family to me. You gave me my first cup of coffee. I was maybe 5?? You didn’t give me much but we were both up at an ungodly hour: Me because… well… What kid do you know that sleeps past 6a?? As for you?? There is no telling what you were into. You didn’t talk much but sitting in silence seemed to be ok. Your room was right next to Grandmothers room so it was easy for me to bug you from time to time if you were in a good mood. Most of the time you were kind of grouchy but for some reason that didn’t faze me. ¬†You cooked A LOT and always came up with the nastiest combinations but they always smelled AMAZING!!! “Yeh… uhhhh I mixed some left over baked beans and that cabbage from yesterday. Threw in some fried corn and a 7up.” THE FUCK?!?!?! The one thing that I did eat was your fried potatoes. For some reason you, Uncle David and Uncle Jimmy made the BEST damn potatoes. They were always LOADED with black pepper and garlic salt and fried to perfection!!!! I remember when I was about 7 you were in your room and I came in to bug you. You were listening to music and relaxing. I sat in a chair next your bed and out of nowhere you said you needed a haircut. Your fro was always HUGE!! Well in my 7 year old mind I totally knew what I was doing and said “I can cut it. I know how.” I mean I had cut Barbie’s hair a number of times so how hard could it be?? You handed me house scissors and told me to cut your hair!!! WHO DOES THAT?!?!?!? Well I cut it… and left you looking like all my barbie rejects… Sorry. You didn’t care though. You just shrugged, told me to stop and went back to chilling and smoking. When I was about 11 you were in one of your manic moods and went on a rampage.I don’t think you understand how scared I was. That was the first time I saw my grandmother pull her pistol on someone and lock me in her room. There was so much damage and fear that the neighbors had to pull me out of grandmothers bedroom window. I remember trying to squeeze under Grandmothers bed when I heard you beating on the door. I couldn’t fit under because the bed was too low. But by that time a neighbor talked me into opening the window and pulled me out. That day. That very day I remember thinking “I HATE YOU.” I carried that hate for a really long time. When I was 14 I got into my first and last fight… and it was with you. You were being disrespectful to mommy and Grandmothers and I was NOT having it. I think that was the first time mom and Grandmothers heard me lose my shit. We cussed each other smooth out for like 10 minutes (Not a proud moment). I was scared but didn’t want to look like a punk. You raised your fist and I reacted. I got you before you got me and from that day forward you had nothing but mad respect for me… But I still HATED you. It wasn’t you that I hated but your anger. You were always so angry and I didn’t know why. In my world everyone shit rainbows and glitter and I couldn’t figure out why you didn’t. It wasn’t until my 20s that I forgave you. I don’t remember the day but I got tired of carrying the anger and hate and said “Im done. I forgive you” The thing is that I never told you that but tried to show it in my actions… even though they weren’t much. You helped take care of Grandmothers. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE knew who you were. You were the tiny man that picked up cans all day and night. You were the man that talked man conspiracy theories (Which all came to be true) You were the one that had a distinctive talk and laugh. You stayed in your head a lot… and I guess thats where I get in from. Mom says that I remind her of you sometimes when I go on my PRO BLACK conspiracy theory rants. You know what I say?? “DAMN RIGHT!!! HE WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!!!!” I got to see you one last time before you decided it was time. You didn’t say much and told me you weren’t really good for company. I didn’t care though. I just wanted you to know that I was there. You were cranky but I didn’t think anything of it because you have always been cranky. Well exactly one week later you said you had had enough. I ran my last spartan race knowing that you were going soon. I was selfish though. I wanted you to hang on for a bit longer so I could make it back home from work to say bye. Unlike everyone else that I went… I had the chance to say goodbye before you left. I got to see you in a somewhat good place before you left. I didn’t have that chance with everyone else. I hate that you are gone but I’m ok with it. All you ever wanted was your own place and now… you finally have it. Im happy you are finally at peace. There is no more anger and frustration… only peace now. Rest now Uncle Danny. I know you will pay me a visit at some point just like Uncle Allon and Grandmothers do. Love you Uncle Danny. See ya when I see ya.

HOWDY Y’ALL

WHATS UP?!?!?!?! So I made it to my tiny closet vacation!!! I left NYC on Tuesday afternoon. I flew United… I got the BASIC ticket… Never doing that crap again!!! I couldn’t even take my backpack on the plane!!! I had to check it because it was “too big” I was like “THE HELL??!??!?! I have to pay to check my bag?!?!?! I should have just bought a regular ticket. After that I was already in a cranky mood. ¬†I was tired and ready to go. I was the LAST group to board the plane and was happy that I got to sit at the back of the plane. For some reason the back of the plane is comforting to me. What is NOT comforting is being in a TINY middle seat between a really nice lady and a big nasty guy!! I JUST WANTED TO SLEEP the entire flight. Instead I was forced to sit with my head back and arms between my legs. I slept for MAYBE 45 minutes because the guy next to me had a giant snotty hairball in his throat that he couldn’t get out. Then he turned his music up!!! I moved my arms and ended up pushing the buttons on the arm rest that changed the channels to the lady’s tv. SHIT!!!! Dude to my left is still hacking and then… He hacked into his hand and wiped it on his jeans. WHAT IN ALL THE ULTIMATE HELLS DID I JUST WITNESS?!?!?!?! Y’all I died right there. DEAD!!! I came out of my body and watched my shell of a body make “WHAT IN ALL THE FUCKS” faces at this nasty ass man!!! So as my ghost body is watching my shell of a body, homeboy orders his coke… and then proceeds to slurp it. I could hear it passing his tongue and lips!!! WHY?!?!?! Then he did that air belch. You know the loud mouth fart that people then blow at the end?!?? I died all over again. 2 of me looking at my shell of a body now. I think even my ghost had to step away to throw up. REALLY!!! I was so over this flight!!!!

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Leaving work a happy camper
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Nasty guy is hacking… I just died
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He just wiped his spit snot on his jeans. Just died again!!!

 

My plane landed around 10. I catapulted over the seats to get the hell off of this plane. My friend Chip picked me up and it was happiness and shenanigans from that moment forward. What do you do at 10p at night?? ¬†What everyone else does: You go to the MEGA DONUT world of restaurants. GOURDOUGHS!!!!! Y’all… they had two of my favorite things in the whole world: Cocktails and donuts. To tell you this was my happy place is an understatement. Its basically every meal you can possibly think of… just as a donut. I had a donut BLT thing and my friend had the country fried donut . For dessert he had something that a donut covered in bananas and pecans, apples and caramel sauce. ¬†I had the Cin-o-bon which was a donut covered in cream cheese and some kind of butter cinnamon sugar sauce. This right let me know that the rest of my vacation was going to be MAGIC!!! This right here let me know that everything was going to be alright!! **wipes happy tears**

A late night of donuts and laughter led to a great nights sleep and an early morning wake up. I woke up to quiet. I woke up to sit outside and sit in quiet. It was the most RELAXING moment ever!!! Chip woke up not too long after I did and we sat and enjoyed a few cups of coffee, laughter and a tiny breakfast. We got dressed, loaded up our bags and headed to HAMILTON POOL!!!!!!!

It wasn’t a long drive at all. Chip made us a reservation and guess what… IT WAS OPEN FOR SWIMMING!!!! We had a good hike to find the pool (because we hiked past our turn off and had to make a u-turn. But ohhhh when we got there. MAGIC is an understatement!!!!

Hamilton Pool was by far one of the coolest places I have EVER been!!!! It was peaceful, refreshing and LOADS of fun. The water was cold but felt amazing. There were giant fish swimming all around you. The water was really deep in some parts but the swim was awesome!!!! A lot of people were having their sports illustrated swimsuit model shoot moments on the rocks which was really funny. Chip and I stayed long enough to enjoy the water and say “We went” and then headed out. EVERYONE… GO TO HAMILTON POOL!!!! ITS AMAZING!!!!! Stay tuned there are more awesome stories heading your way!!!!!

Who Would Have Thought

What it do blogging world?!?!?!? Its been a quick minute but Im back… at least for tonight. No telling how long it will be for the next post. So this past weekend I ran the Terrain race. It was in Brooklyn and I ended up joining a great team to run with. I pushed myself and beat EVERY obstacle that was there. SHUT.YOUR.FACE!!! Yes y’all!!! I even beat the mutha F($#%^* RIG!!! I have never in my LIFE beat a rig and to nail that one at the terrain race mean no one could tell me SHIT for the rest of the day. I felt like a freaking BEAST!!! **flexes guns** I dedicated this race to Jordan. The 15 year old black boy shot in the head and killed in Texas. And I dedicated it to Black Lives Matter. I do that for EVERY… EVERY race that I run.

Now let me go back in time… Like WAAAAAAAAAY back. I was a SUPER girly girl when I was younger. My dad wanted me to play soccer and all these sports and I was like “Can I do baton twirling??? Ooh GYMNASTICS!!!!” I did both actually. Whatever. I was NOT your super outgoing athletic child… Sports just never really crossed my radar. I was always outside playing but it was like jumping rope ¬†and roller skating, twirling a baton and then gymnastics in my Grandmothers front yard. There was one spot that I WORE OUT!!! Like to the point of no return. Grass stopped growing in that spot because I had wore it down to dust. She always had this immaculate green lawn… with a big ass dirt patch to the left. (my tumble spot) I was SUPER SHY and just not super outgoing. Who would have thought that the shy, goofy non athletic child would take interest in something like OCR?!??!?! Growing up I was the slowest runner (even though I thought I was grease lightning) Wasn’t coordinated for soccer or basketball or softball. Everyone assumes that I played basket ball and ran track. Homey don’t let this long body fool you. I did NONE of that!!HAHAHA. ¬†Who would have thought that the super shy not so athletic child would actually find a twisted kind of joy running endless miles through mud and God knows what?? Who would have thought that the little chocolate girl would with the big teeth and giant ponytails would do alright in such a weird sport where you have to have some kind of coordination??!?! Not I!!! This started out as just something fun to do, just to see if I could do it. Then in morphed into this. “MUST.RUN.OCR. Monster!!!” If I can find a race on Groupon then its good as added on my calendar. Looks can be deceiving. Even my parents look at me sometimes like “Where did this child come from?? She is ours because she looks just like us but… Did we miss a memo somewhere?? Why does she do this crap?!?!?! I do it to prove that I can. I do it… because Im bored. I do it because its one of the things that holds my super short attention span.I do this… because I feel like BEAST and I never had that feeling as a kid.

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Challenge Accepted

Whats up blogging world?!?!?!?!?!?! Guess wha???t I had two challenges this weekend. One was running the City Challenge in Jersey City. Two was going out with friends. Friday I made it home from work and IMMEDIATELY chugged two giant margaritas and followed that with a GIANT plate of nachos. It was totally called for. I spent Friday night doing laundry and watching sappy hallmark movies. Saturday morning rolls around and my alarm is screaming “SOCIAL DAY SOCIAL DAY!!! TIME TO GET UP AND BE SOCIAL TODAY!!!!!” It didn’t actually say that but might as well have. I shut it off 3 times. I dragged myself off of my sofa, put on my running gear and headed out to Jersey City. ¬†Its like a 25 minute train ride HOWEVER my dumb ass got off at the WRONG STOP!!! **face palm** That meant I had to take a taxi to the venue!!! That was 10 bucks!!! Anyway I made it there and it was FLIPPIN COLD! I saw my run buds¬†Hershey, Crystal, Mark, ¬†Kristine and Jen. I drop my bag at bag check and hurry to get in line because well… I was late and needed to get a move on. I didn’t even have time to stretch!!

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On my way to Jersey

Stretching didn’t matter because I ran the race and completed every obstacle there was!!! I had trouble on one and that was the inverted wall. I got stuck and couldn’t pull my body over. This random guy offered to help and here is what happened

Guy: Do you need some help?

Me: Yeh. Im stuck. Just give me a boost over.

Guy: **Runs to get behind me** Ummm where do you want me to uhhh. How do I push?

Me: Just push my butt!

Guy: I uhhh. Umm are you sure?? I uhh…

Me: PUT YOUR HANDS ON MY ASS AND PUSH!!!!

He pushed me over and all went well. I made the rig for the most part and did rope climb!!! YES!!! Freaking sandbag carry weighed a TON!!!! But I FINISHED!!! For a second I thought of doing a second lap… and then said “NOPE” Weeeellll Crystal found me and said “Run a second lap.Come on. We are lining up in 15 minutes” Well damn. I couldn’t punk out so I ran lap two… or walked. I walked a lot of lap two. My body was hurting and my knee was KILLING ME!!!! Obstacles and pavement do NOT agree with my body AT ALL. ¬†I finished lap two and guess who I saw at the end?? CARMEN and CISCO!!!! Now these two are a part of the small group of people I enjoy being around AND they love donuts as much as I do!!! YES Y’ALL!!!

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Carmen!!!!!
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Walked or should I say LIMPED away with two medals!!!

I hung out for a little bit and then said “ehhh let me head home so I can take a quick nap”… I didn’t nap. You know what I did?? I went and gorged on AAAAALLLL of the fried food with my old childhood friend Angela and her husband. When I say we ate AAAALLLLLL of the fried food… we tried some of everything that was fried and turned our noses up to anything that looked Remotely healthy!! “Oh that has veggies??? NEEEXXT!!” “That one is deep fried in crisco?? GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!! LORD JESUS THANK YOU FOR THIS BLESSING!!!” Sitting and laughing with these two was so much fun and it was just like old times!!! We laughed at the same shit we used to laugh about as little pip squeak kids.

I hated to say goodbye to these two but they had naps to catch up on and I had a date with my shower, sofa and hallmark channel. You ever taken a shower and just turned on the hot water?? No cold water mixed in?? That shower was like FIRE and I LOVED IT!!!! OH MAH GAH!!! I threw on my trusty sweats and proceeded to lay spread eagle on my sofa. The only things I could move were my fingers to change the channel and I was able to turn my head… Thats IT!!! 8p hits and I hit snooze on my phone. 815 comes around and I snooze again. Finally 830 comes and I had to roll myself off of my sofa and struggle into a pair of jeans and a sweater. I fluffed my hair, painted my face and hit the subway because IT WAS CHELSEA’S BIRTHDAY and no way in hell was I missing that!!! I limped all the way to the train, and all the way to the karaoke bar. I am so damn happy that I went. I laughed non stop. I didn’t get on stage (stage fright) but I did plenty of dancing and singing from my seat at our table area. SUCH A GREAT NIGHT!!!

The party ended for me around 1. I couldn’t keep my eyes open on the train ride home!!! I made it home around 2 and CRASHED… on my sofa. I did not wash my face or tie my hair up. I barely made it out of my clothes and into sweats. I face planted on my sofa and didn’t wake until around 9ish. Even then… I just moved my fingers to turn on the TV and turned my head to see because… GOLDEN GIRLS!!! Im so sorry but that show is LEGIT!!!! I can watch it all damn day!!!! Around 3 I decided enough was enough and it was time to clean. So I Cleaned my apartment and folded the Mount Fuji of laundry. Then I went back to face plant on my sofa. Nowhere in that time span did I attempt to brush my teeth, shower or comb my hair. I looked like an abused barbie doll and gave ZERO CRAPS about it!!!!! HAHAHAHA!

Rambling… Try to follow… or Not

This weekend was amazing for me. AMAZING!!! Friday I straight CHILLED!!! I twisted my hair and used rollers and watched movies and drank!!! I can’t even remember if I ate a meal!!! HAHAHA!! Saturday starts with coffee, Golden Girls, and a LOT of bacon. It was then followed by an awesome meet up with my community group. How awesome to talk about race, religion and politics and nobody left with a busted face!!! Saturday night was a toss up between being social or staying home and basically sitting in my mind. I decided to be social. Being social included going to an awesome concert with some friends from church. One of the best concerts I have been to in a long time. Like Sho Baraka ranked up there with Esperanza Spalding. It was that good!!! Sunday was a day of ¬†love for me. I’ll explain later if I have time. I got a lot of revelation this weekend. How?? Let me explain.

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Rolled hair
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EAT ALL OF THE STRAWBERRIES
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Face mask and rollers… real adulting right here
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CONCERT.My hair was still in rollers… Just hidden under the head wrap ūüôā

1.¬†people are always so surprised when I explain that I am very¬†introverted. I have no problem keeping to myself and leaving the world behind. I have no problem living in my thoughts and imagination. No problem at all. I am extroverted with those that I know but for the most part Im pretty happy keeping to myself. Sometimes I have a really snarky smart ass sense of humor(sometimes means ALL THE TIME) and will tell anyone ” I do not like people.” In a way it’s the truth. I do not have many friends and I am uncomfortable in large groups of people. I can like you and not like you at the same time. Does that make sense?? So allllllllll weekend I have been thinking about this. Why am I like this?? Why do I say this about myself? Why is it the first thing that I tell people? Here is my conclusion. Me liking to be by myself and telling people right off the bat “I do not like people” is a way to protect myself from getting hurt or from hurting others. It is a way for me to not get attached. ¬†I feel like I lose everything that I attach myself to so why waste the time?? God is working with me on this. Writing about it and putting it out there is a huge help because I am not holding it in. Im admitting it. Now I just have to continue to work on it. Because even though I want to meet my Mr. Right… I’m setting myself up to NOT meet him. I am basically putting it out in the universe that I want to be alone. In all honesty I do not want to be alone. I don’t want to be watching reruns of Golden Girls for the rest of my days!!!

2. One of the things that me and a friend talked about was how horrible I am with saving money. I AM HORRIBLE!! You know how fat my savings account should be?? It should be STACKED!!! I should be sitting pretty. Im not. Why?? Whats the root of this?? Dig Khrys Dig. Every big ass bonus that I have gotten has basically gone to a moving. I have moved like 4 times in less that 3 years. First last and deposit for apartments here are a MUTHA F*&^*#(% Im just saying. But thats not the sole reason. ¬†I start off great!!! I get a huge chunk saved and then for some reason I have to dig into it… I calculated wrong and came up short somewhere when trying to budget and had to dig. Well when you dig once… you do it again and again and again. I also have this thing of feeling left out. I wasn’t a super social child and wasn’t included in a lot of stuff that my friends or what other kids got to do. Im like this 35 year old kid making up for lost time. Basically have the “Screw it you only live once” mentality… and there goes that chunk of money. I’m trying to fix this too!!

3. Love… Love love love!!! Love is something that everyone wants to experience. This weekend was LOVE for me. The tiny groups of people in my life… LOVE… all love. That little hard thug shell that I have around myself is slowly peeling away. Why?? Because of love. Its not easy. I’m not giving up my thug shell without a fight BUT the layers are SLOWLY peeling away. The man that is able to break through or reach me when that last layer is gone is going to be ONE LUCKY MAN!!! I have a lot to offer the world around me and one day I won’t be afraid. One day…