The day began before 6a… Like it has everyday for the past 8 days. Luckily work didn’t begin until 720a. Little man had ski lessons today so I got most of the day off. WOOHOO!!! I’m a really boring person so I decided against all physical activity and went and got a manicure instead. Ohhhh almost forgot… I SAW ANOTHER BLACK PERSON TODAY!!!!! I think he was just as excited to see me as I was to see him. 7 chocolate chips in a big ass sugar cookie. Whatever I’ve been totally sidetracked. Back to the rest of my day: I went and got a manicure!!!! My nails were jacked and needed some love and care. I’m sitting while this lady is working magic on my hands and all of sudden I hear. ” LAAAADIEEEEES!!! I need ALOT of work done today!!!” I heard him before I saw him. I turn around and what I saw made me do a double take. It’s this short, fat, white guy dressed in a brown floor length mink coat. He had this thick diamond bracelet and a diamond crusted watch. Oh it gets better… He had a HUGE canary diamond ring on his pointer finger and one on his pinky….I’m not finished. He had this diamond chain around his neck but the diamonds were the size of skittles!!! Oh there’s more: He had a diamond necklace almost like a choker and attached to that choker was a canary diamond cross. It looked like a cross made out of lemon heads!!! That’s how big the rocks were!!! FREAKIN LEMON HEADS!!!! Homey who are you trying to impress?!?!?!?!?!?!?! He was like Liberace and Puff Daddy circa 1998 all wrapped into one!!!! Foolery I tell ya!!! Pure FOOLERY!!!!
After my manicure I decided to do what I do best… FIND SOME GRUB!!! I stopped at the little diner place I had been to before but this time the line was CRAZY!!! It was a crazy wait but I needed my hash brown and bacon fix ASAP!! Well the guy in front of me was going to be seated but he was alone. The host asked me and I said I was alone. He threw his hands in the air and said ” Oh for the love of god People!!! Would you two mind sharing a table?” We looked at each other, shrugged and introduced ourselves. We were seated and being the introverted person that I am… I totally ignored him and went about writing in my journal. He sat with his eyes glued to his phone. We would occasionally look up from our coffee or food to smile at the other and then it was back to silence. And that is how you make friends people… NOT!!! I didn’t know what to do though!!! Oh well it’s not like it matters because we are out of here Sunday and it’s back to the city that doesn’t sleep!!! Brooklyn I’m coming home baby!!!!Why are my lips so damn ashy?!?!?!?!?I’ve eaten and I’m happy
So everyone thinks I am this super extroverted spotlight person. I got news for ya: I’m a complete introvert. I am very animated with those that know me buuut for the most part I prefer to not interact with others. I like to be on the outside looking in. To be in the center makes me break out in hives just thinking about it!! I have this huge personality that only a select few get to see in person. It’s so easy to live behind a keyboard, pen and paper. This goes for pictures as well. I have aaaaalllll of this spunky personality that totally turns off if I know a camera is pointed my direction. I revert to the 3rd grade school picture pose :Exhibit A
Or the huge koolaid smile with thumbs up: I have too many of those pics to post. All of my pictures look the exact same. The only thing that changes is my hair, lipstick and the the new wrinkles that appear daily. Which is probably why I always have a picture of what I am eating and drinking because I’m weird unless someone strikes a conversation… and even then I’m still awkward at times.What I’m drinking now
Day one of Aspen. Let’s skip yesterday shall we?? Getting here was a total shit show. TOTAL.SHIT.SHOW. That’s the only way to describe it. I think the only person who wasn’t frustrated was Superman. He had Peppa Pig and Curious George on the iPad. The only thing that took away from the craziness was the view flying in“Are we there yet Kiki?”When the clouds meet the skyGods magicAre we there yetHate to get lost out thereNo wordsTook my breath away
Let’s fast forward to today. Today began at 4:30. That’s AM not PM. Kids are still on NY time. It hasn’t been bad though. It’s been long… LOOOOOOOONG! Superman and I made the most of it by going out and playing in the snowI’m stuck Kiki
My morning of snow was followed by time off!!! What did I do?!?!? FOOD and a really really really big coffee!!!! While sitting and scarfing my food something hit me: I have seen no black people!!!! So guess who’s going to wear her black girl magic extra proud!! Anyway that was followed by talking to a lovely couple from Austin and then a lovely lady who was 75 years young!!! She was AMAZING, nice and cussed like a sailor!!! LOVED HER!!!! Now to figure out what to do with the rest of my time today… More food will be involved I can tell you that much!! The Aspen Chronicles will continue and there will probably be some foolishness involved.
NEW YORK NEW YOOOOOOOORK!!!! You can totally picture me singing that in a show tune voice because I just totally sang it out loud!!!! I have spent 3 New Years here in NYC. Wait… No this will be my 3rd year. Basically I make the same New Years resolutions every year… BORING!!!!! My 2 1/2 Years in NYC have been spent NOT ADULTING!!! I have done everything BUT adult!!! I haven’t really felt like an adult either. I’m 35 but nothing about me screams 35 except for my birth certificate, a bad knee that pops and jacked up ovaries. Right now as I type I look like a teenage boy: baggy sweats, a hoodie and a beanie.
My bank account should be PHAT!!! I should be STACKED with money… My bank account is so damn skinny!!! It’s malnourished as hell!!! The only adult things I have done is pay rent,pay the few expensive bills I have, and work. Everything else… Not adult. Hell my living situation isn’t even considered adult. So now I have two goals for 2017
1. Be a real adult
2. Learn how to be sexy
Yes “Be sexy” is on my list. Let me explain. I have come a long way in my confidence department. A looooooooong way. I’m happy, I don’t think I’m ugly ( long battle) and I’m pretty confident for the most part. Here’s the thing. I have three modes
1. Work mode: not cute, everything is covered in marker, food or vomit from the kids, and I don’t care
2. I’m going out. Let me fluff the fro and put on red lipstick to be cute
3. I’m running a race. Let me put on concealer and eyeliner so I don’t look like a dude.
Nothing about these three modes screams SEXY!!!! How do you do sexy? What is considered sexy??? I think it’s a mindset. I have this quirky, sarcastic bubbly semi anti social personality. It’s cute. No matter how I dress or look my personality is going to scream “cute” I always kind of come off as the homegirl. How do I change that?? This is something that I am going to figure out for 2017. SEXY ADULT HERE I COME!!!!! Kind of hoping 2017 also brings along a boyfriend as well. LORD HEAR MY CRY!!!!
So it’s been what two weeks since I’ve written?? The past two weeks have been so damn boring!!! The highlight at some point was going to the doc to get steroids for my itching because…. you guessed it… at some point during running in Atlanta I came in contact with poision ivy. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! It’s like that crap finds me. Not the other way around. What’s so bad is that it was on my face!!! Only I could get that shit on my face!!! My face yo!!! The whole left side of my face was puffed up with rashes and itching like crazy!!! I was on prednisone yet again and high ass doses!! I have never had this much in my system in the 35 years I have been around. Seriously I’m on this shit like once or twice a month for allergic reactions to poision ivy. Well out of nowhere I started feeling weird… not myself. It wasn’t an outer body experience BUT it was like “I know I am me… but I don’t feel like me.” Talked to a good friend about it and he was like ” Is it work??? Roommates?? Stress??? Maybe the allergy meds you are popping like tic tacs… Just saying” HOLY SHIT ITS THE MEDS!!!! Prednisone had me freaking depressed!!!! Threw it all out and HOLY shit I feel better. Still kind of itchy BUT I’m not depressed. I’ll take itchy over depressed any day!!!
As we know a few weeks ago I was in the emergency room. My parents were scared shitless and super concerned about my physical activity. They think I do too much and push myself too hard. Well I promised I wouldn’t do the last Spartan race that I signed up for. I signed up for it MONTHS AGO with my friend Nicole. Every day when me and mom talked on the phone after the ER she always made sure to bring up ” No more racing” even my dad said ” You need to chill on all the running” I agreed. ” No more running for me. I’m done.”
So like two days before the race I kept looking at the Spartan race logo. Two days before the race I kept checking plane tickets. Two days before the race my mind was telling me Nooooooooo but my Boodyyyyyyyyy was saying Yeeeeeeeeesssssss. I don’t see nothing wroooooong with a little run and mud. ** Old School R Kelly **I called Nicole and said ” even though I was told not to run… I’m going anyway. I promised you I would be there with you and I’m not going to leave you hanging.” She said ” You can watch from the sidelines”. Ooooooook…. First off WHO THE HELL GOES TO A RACE TO JUST WATCH?!?!?!? NOT ME!!!! Second… I paid for that damn race and can’t get my money back!!! And third… I made a promise to run that race with her and I was NOT going to leave her out there! I bought my ticket and hatched a plan. Mind you, My parents had NO CLUE!!!! Fast forward to Friday. I’m running around work like a chicken with my head cut off because I had to run work and personal errands. I was on the phone with my mom and said NOTHING about leaving for Atlanta. I even sent her a text saying ” Hey I just finished Netflix and now I’m going to sleep. I will talk to you tomorrow” Yeh I was on the plane on the way to Atlanta. Made it to Atlanta by connecting through North Carlina and me and Nicole met at the airport. We rented a car and headed to our hotel.
On the way to our hotel we cranked up the 90s hip hop and guess what the first song was?! BACK THAT THANG UP!!! We lost our shit for a good 3 minutes!!! That’s how I knew I was supposed to be at this race!!!! Juvenile was my sign!!!!! HaHAHAHAHAHA!!! We stopped at Wendys and got food and then made it to our hotel. We walk in and are ready to check in but I’m not in the system!!! Apparently I put in the wrong date and it canceled!!! Mind you it’s almost midnight. He calls like 3 hotels and only ONE had open rooms!!! We took the LAST ROOM!!! We lug our crap back to the car and drove 5 minutes to the other hotel. We unpacked and face planted into the bed because that’s what you do when you are in your 30s and work all damn day only to catch a late flight.
MORNING
We woke at 6 and said “Technically we race at 10. Let’s wake at 7” There was no argument there!!! We woke at 7, had a great cup of coffee, a not so great breakfast and headed to the battleground.
We make it out to the battleground and I said we would give ourselves 3.5 to 4 hours to finish. It was an amazing course!! It wasn’t really hard, the weather was crisp but it was sunny and did I mention we laughed non stop?!?!?!? We also checked out a lot of the gorgeous male bodies that ran by us. That was probably the best part!! It was eye candy HEAVEN!!! Then the obstacles kicked in!! Nicole is really good with walls. She just needs a tiny Spartan boost and she’s up!! She held a dead hang on monkeybars when she used to not be able to even hold on let alone jump and grab it. I’ve finally mastered the monkeybars
I got thisI spy muscles!!!!There were multiple walls but the kicker was the cargo net up a 3 story cliff!!! Now Nicole is deathly afraid of heights. Like all of the color drained from her face and she started to shake a little bit. Guess what?!?!?! SHE DID IT ANYWAY!!! She was about to hyperventilate and I could hear her saying “ok. Ok.ok” with every step. When she made it to the top I almost picked her up and swung her around but she was shaking like a chihuahua shitting a peach seed!!! She STOMPED her worst fear!!! I was sooooo damn proud of her!!!! We climbed walls, rolled through barbed wire, trudged through water and tunnels, and saw beautiful scenery!! Dunk wall… OHHHHHH the dunk wall. Dunk wall SUCKED!! It’s 50 degrees outside and we had to go under a wall. Most of the time you can kind of make it without fully going under… NOT THIS TIME!!! And the water was F*%^>€ FREEZING!!
HOLY.SHIT. THATS COLD!!!
We had a slip wall. Now slip wall is either a do or do not. There is no in between. You can make it to the top and then eat it and slide back down. Been there done that. Nicole has too… NOT THIS TIME BABY!! We both made it up and over and the photographer got me cheering when I saw Nicole making her way over it!
Just throw that leg overThe minute I saw NicoleMe cheering Nicole on!!!!This day was amazing!!! We even remembered the memory test part!!!!! We had a traverse rope which is where the giggles started. The ropes were weird and trying to pull myself across was HILARIOUS!!! Why??? Because the minute I hopped on, it sagged and I was like 2 cm from the ground!! Then my legs started to cramp and I had to stop to stretch my legs while still hanging on!!! This made me laugh HARDER!!!! Finally I had to let go because I could not get myself together. Let’s fast forward to inverted wall. Nicole was gassed but a hottie Spartan and I gave her a boost. Well he walked off as soon as she latched to the wall. She didn’t hop on good enough and I didn’t have enough height to push her up anymore. I screamed for hottie to come back!! He ran back and gave her a HUGE SHOVE!! Well when he shoved some other people pulled her arms and the next thing I know, Nicole is flying face first over the wall and all I heard was this tiny “I’m ok” Funniest moment of this entire race!!! I had to lay down in the hay I was laughing so hard!!!! I killed rope climb and we both failed spear throw even though we both missed by just a hair. When we made it to the finish line it was the most amazing feeling!!! It’s always amazing to finish a race because the shit show is over but this time I crossed with my best friend and I wouldn’t trade that moment for the world.
After the race we both said “SCREW THE SHOWERS!!! We will do that at the hotel!!” It was cold and the spray off areas water is FREEZING!!! We changed and went to our hotel. We showered and then proceeded to watch really bad acting Christmas movies. After a few hours of laziness we headed out to a near by bar where the shenanigans started again!!! BEST DAY EVER!!!
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