I feel like every year starts with the “New Year new me” motto. Everyone is looking for the “better” the “I’m going to do better”. Everything is NEW NEW NEW.
I’m going to be honest with you guys. This is the first year that I have felt like “new year new me” The first time in a really long time. 2023 kicked my ass emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, mentally. I was so beyond depressed, out of all of the shapes, emotionally depleted and financially LOST. I tried to find my happy but the sadness just over shadowed it all. I felt like I couldn’t catch a break. I just wanted it to end. I hit a point of where I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I would take 3 steps forward and get pushed back 100000. Has anyone ever been there?? I really tried to smile through it all but my eyes said that my soul was DONE!!!
I was dating someone for 6 years and it all came crashing down. I ended it because I was like “You don’t have time for me. I get it, work is your life right now.” Well turns out work wasn’t the reason he didn’t have time for me. Dude was dating other women and turned out HE WAS MARRIED! ALL AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!!! Oh and with kids!!! Dude has a WHOLE ASS FAMILY!!!!! I had no clue. Then on top of that he stole from me in every way possible and then DENINED all of it even though I had and still have the proof.
This cut me DEEEEEEP!! I gave my all to someone who cared NOTHING for me. Motherfucker took full advantage of my kindness, giving spirit, and busy work schedule. Dude took full advantage!!! I was COMPLETELY blindsided. My friends… My nitty gritty friends sat on the phone with me night after night while I sobbed, screamed, and talked. They knew I was in a dark place but they never let me stay there. They let me feel all of the feelings but never let me stay there too long. My mom basically moved in with me for a month to help me sort through the bullshit havoc that the ex ( known as Satan’s penis wrinkle) caused. I’d lost myself… just completely let myself go. Without my 3 FOREVER SISTERS ( My Bella Crew) and my parents… I don’t know where I would be right now. The thing that I learned about being depressed is that even though you know its a shitty place to be… It’s also comforting or at least it was for me. I knew it would always be there to wrap me in the warmth of blankets and slumber. Turn on lights?? For what?? The darkness was now my warm hug.
Work began to consume all of my time. I wanted more time with friends and to do the things that I really enjoyed but just didn’t have the time. At 42 and going through what I went through I needed a therapist!!! But I didn’t have the time. I wanted to run races with my friends but I either didn’t have the time or I was just in a mentally dark place. There were things that I wanted to participate in for my children’s book but my work travel schedule was bananas and always always always came first. My active lifestyle became obsolete.
I was living in an apartment that I could no longer afford and it held all memories with the lying cheating sack of horse poop. I moved out. I started saying “Yes” to opportunities that made me better. I started doing things for me. I started doing something that I hadn’t done in years and that was “put me first”. I started sticking up for myself. And Finally towards the end of the year I took the biggest leap ever…
I quit my job and moved back to Texas. I had to. NY had become tainted by previous events. I was too far from my main mental support system… my family. I needed that support system. I packed up 10 years of belongings, said goodbye and BOUNCED… and I have not looked back.
It has not been easy but it hasn’t caused me stress or misery. The fresh start has been a literal life saver. I was able to spend the holidays with family and friends, reconnect with old friends, RELAX and just be. There is a sparkle in my eyes again. My smile is real. The healing is real. The weight lifted is real. Now don’t get me wrong, I still get really angry when I think about what happened but I don’t sit in it and let it take over my every thought. I still get to work with children but in a way that allows me to still have a life outside of work. I am the happiest that I have been in years.
So 2024 is not “New Year New me” its “a new year, better version of me” This is the year that I show up for myself. This is the year that I start giving myself permission to live life. This is the year that I start giving myself permission to do the things that I love. I’m ready!!! This is the year for me to really get Bella’s books out there. THIS IS THE YEAR Y’ALL!!! I hope y’all are ready cuz I sure as hell am. LETS GO