This Is How a Heart Breaks

My way of grieving is through writing. I have cried more in the past 12 hours than I have cried in years. I’ve now lost two uncles in the span of 2 months. My heart broke when I lost my Uncle Allon and Grandmothers. Learning that my Uncle Jeff passed just totally shattered it. You guys my Uncle Jeff was and always will be everything to me. Always. No one can or ever will fill the space thats been left. No one can compare. He has been my everything from day one. I was and always will be his “Sweetie Sweetie” and his “Khrystal Rhea Khrys” ALWAYS. When I was little we used to lay in his room and watch TV. While watching TV he would reach over and pop my fingers and toes. I HATED it but for some reason he found it hilarious. When it was my birthday he would always guess the wrong age just because he liked to see me worked up. He gave me EVERYTHING and by everything I mean :Food, love and hugs. He would let me sit curled into his big burly body forever. One time he let me roll out with him to go see his friends. We were rolling the champagne Buick!!! I was 6 or 7 I think… anyway I was excited because I got to sit in front and Everything.  We talked and saw his friends and I remember telling him. “Uncle Jeff.I watched the peckerwood show today!!!” He stopped at a light, turned to me and with his awesome laugh said “Whooooa. Don’t say that baby ok. You watched woody woodpecker. Never say peckerwood ok.” I nodded and said ok. Hell I didn’t know I had just used a word to describe white people. I was just repeating something I had heard him use a thousand times. Sometimes he would lay around with no shirt on and we would watch TV together and I remember thinking “You have really big nipples” To a kid that was mind boggling to see a man with big nipples. HAHAHAHA!!! See this is stupid shit that I remember but God its EVERYTHING to me. When I was 11 or 12 he tried to teach me how to play dominoes but him and his friends would get frustrated because I counted really slow. HAHAHA!!! You ever see a group of old black men try to wait for a kid to finish counting the dots to make a move?? They were NOT used to being slowed down. HAHA!!  Uncle Jeff had the BEST laugh and smile. When he laughed it was like it bubbled all the way from his toes. He had a voice that was rich and put you in your place when needed. His smile and laugh never changed even with age.Uncle Jeff was my #1 cheerleader. No matter where I went or what I did, he always let me know the I had his full support. Everyone knew him as Rang Eye. Some called him Jeff. It wasn’t until I was like 10 that I realized his name was Thomas. I always thought it was strange for someone to name their child Jeff Jefferson. **shrugs** To me he was just my Uncle Jeff. As I sit here a hot mess of snot and tears I know you are now ok. You are now at peace resting and watching over everyone you loved.I wanted you to be with me forever. I can’t say that I didn’t see it coming. That weird 6th sense that I have… yeh. I could feel it looming. When mom sent me a text to call her, I knew I was already too late before she even said the words “Uncle Jeff passed” I will do everything that I can to make you proud of me. I love you Uncle Jeff. Your Khrystal Rhea Khrys forever and ever.

My Kind Of Social

Hello!!! Im still on my vacation but it is quickly coming to an end. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I am loving every minute of it. Everyday I have had wine or some type of cocktail… ER’DAY… ER.DAY!! I’ve gone  out and explored and talked to a few shop owners but thats about it. Yesterday I decided to stay in Brooklyn. No Harlem for me yesterday. I woke up, had coffee, breakfast and got dressed. I hopped on my bike and headed to DUMBO.

My plan was to find some cute black owned boutique and clean up in the cute original clothes department. That was my plan. Instead I wandered around and found TACOS instead of dresses. Whats a girl to do?? Go in and eat tacos!!! It was a tiny place called Pedros. Service was whack but the tacos were BOMB!!!!! I had chicken, beef and carnitas. OHHHHHHH MAAAAAH GAHHHHHH and then on top of that I had a frozen margarita. Y’all…I could have licked my plate.

Ok So one thing about me is that I really do love food. But there are some foods that I refuse to eat. One of those foods… is beans. I have NEVER liked beans EVER!!! Its a really long stupid story for an entirely different blog but the point is I HATE BEANS!!! The rice was so good but they mixed little black beans in it. How bout I picked every SINGLE bean out as I ate. HAHAHAH!!! It was that serious you guys. I know the bartender was like “What the hell???” Whatever… I don’t eat beans!! Now Ive cleaned like three plates of food and a SUPER AMAZING margarita. I paid for my food got up and walked outside. Yoooo that breeze hit me and I saw stars for a quick minute. What did she make my drink with?!?!?!?! Please listen to me when I tell you not to ride your bike home after you have been drinking. My buzz was strong and  I really don’t remember much about my ride home. I stopped at a few stores along the way  but I can’t tell you what I looked at. All I know is that it seemed like I made it home really fast. I must I have been grease lightning. HAHA!! I made it home, showered and then did what hip super social people do. I sat in the middle of my couch crocheting a scarf while not watching two really crappy movies. LIVIN LA VIDA LOCA baby!!!!! I was totally content with sitting right there but then I remembered the promise I made to myself.” BE SOCIAL!!!!” I got up, got dressed, fluffed my fro, used my GOOD liquid liner and painted my lips ruby woo. LETS DO THIS!!!! I walked the 20 minutes to the black owned bar that I found via google.  It was called Ode to Babel. It was really nice. The ambience was awesome. The energy was great and the music was on. I sat at the small bar, ordered a BOMB drink and a small plate of food and turned to my best friend… my journal. Yes I take my journal EVERWHERE!!! I sat at the end of the bar and people watched.  So Im sitting in my own little Khrys bubble when a group of drunk white women came really close to my bubble and started going on about their lesbian escapades. WHAAAAAT?!?!?! AWK-WARD much?!?!?!? And they had that “Im drunk” loud talk. Its totally different from “Im sober” loud talk. When they left another drunk group walked up and I heard about all of their roommates drama and crap. UGGGGGH! I got there at 8ish and left a few minutes after 9. Promptly called my mom so she could be on the phone with me as I walked home. I didn’t even give her time to say hello. I heard her pick up and my first words were “Well that was a fail” Maybe today will be different. I want to do something fun but I also want to want to stay home and sit on my ass. Decisions decisions.

 

Special with No Limits

This afternoon was EPIC!!!!  Why?? Because your girl hit the beach for surfing again!!! SAY WHAT?!?!?! YES Y’ALL!!! Here’s the thing. Someone telling me to try surfing is like saying “I dare you to do it. I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU” Why??? Because I don’t know any black people that surf!!!  Hell a lot of black people won’t even swim in a pool let alone venture all the way out in open water. Yesterday I did surfing for the first time. My instructors name was Ry and he was this gorgeous white dude who was super nice. Well today when I went and signed in they front desk people were like “YEEEEEAH YOU CAME BACK!!!!” I even got high fives!!! Then they said that Ry told the owner to take on my lesson today because I was awesome and couldn’t believe I had never surfed before. Do you know how freaking awesome I felt. So I checked in and had a seat on the dunes to watch every one else and listen to my music while I waited. I also wrote in my journal. I started getting nervous because “What if I didn’t do good?” “What if yesterday was just a fluke?” SHIT!!! So what did I do?? I turned on my No Limit Soilder!!! Yeh boy.. Master P, snoop dog, and Mystikal had me turned AAAALLLL the way up. I went to change into my wetsuit and saw Ry… and yeh my whole awkward girl came out. I had no idea what to say or do. **face palm** Well I changed and then my instructor found me and took me out for my lesson. WHO KICKED ASS AGAIN!?!?!??! MEEEEEE!!! No one can tell me SHIT right now!!! Im a BEAST and my “Job” meaning the ENTIRE family came out to watch me surf and they were so damn excited!!! Pics were taken and EVERYTHING!! I spent a little over an hour out in the water. I caught some waves,I ate a few waves. But I did it and had sooo much freaking fun!! Surfing is by far one of the coolest things I have ever done and having really awesome instructors isn’t bad either… especially when one is really freaking cute. **bats eyelashes** The past two days have been AHHHHHH-MAZING!!!

Beautiful

I LOVE LOVE LOVE being black. There are so many different shades and dimensions that its unfreaking real. LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! I know I talk about loving yourself every couple of blogs but thats because I’m really serious about it and its something that hits home with me. I used to be ashamed of my color but now I LOVE the different shades of me. I hated going outside in the summer because I have what I refer to as “Insta-tan” Ten minutes in the sun and Im already 3 shades darker. No joke. I can wear all the sunscreen in the world… SPF 100… Does NOTHING for me!!! I remember when I would go to the pool with my friends I would lie on the beach chair and cover my body with a towel and just leave my hair out.  I didn’t want to get darker. Even when I was 30 I wore HUGE hats so I wouldn’t get darker. Guess what… IM DONE!!! Summer is not my favorite time of year… but thats because I don’t like being hot. Ohhhh honey me and heat do NOT mix at all. But my color yooooooo. My tan is UNREAL!!!! The past few years I have really really been embracing who and what I am. I haven’t really given two shits what others think of me because their opinions don’t matter. Someone out there will LOVE my magic chocolate charm and I can’t wait to meet that lucky man!!!! I’ve had like SERIOUS sit down moments with myself to embrace everything about me. Summer turns my skin this AMAZING bronzed mocha!! I have a LOT of red tones in my skin during the summer. During the cooler months I have more yellow tones.  Boy the red comes OUT in the summer. My skin is this rich dark chocolate but the hair on my arms turns blonde and thats what gives me the bronzed glow.  My hair… My hair is like its own being. FOR REAL.   I have like NO control over this head. HAHAHAHA!!! Its naturally this light sandy brown color. The summer sun turns it gold with blonde highlights. I haven’t seen my natural hair color in a while because I keep it dyed black. Well its been months since I have used a box of hair color and baby this sandy hair of mine is SHOWING OUT!!! The top is bleached so its really an awesome mix of colors I have going on. The tips of my eye lashes turn blonde so I HAVE to keep mascara on them because other wise it looks like I set them on fire. The only thing that I am NOT crazy about is that I now sunburn. OHHHH MAH GAH! I burn on my arms!!! Nowhere else. Just my arms!!!

LOVE WHO YOU ARE!! Love yourself. No one can really show you love until you love yourself. Its the stride in your step. The set of your shoulders, the way you hold your head up high, the smile that you show the world and the energy that you radiate. YES!!!!

Super Woman

OHHHHH MAAAAAAH GAAAAAAAAH! My 2 days off so far have ROCKED… for the most part. Even though I am off, I’m still tuned into work because I hear any and everything that goes on in this house and sometimes I have to step in. Other than that my adventures have been WONDERMOUS!!!! My last off days here have been spent doing stuff that I never EVER thought I would do. Yesterday I ventured out and did paddle board yoga!!! Uhhh can we say AHHHHHH-MAZING!!!!! It was so much fun and such a great workout. I only fell off my board once and that was doing tree pose.  I did burpees, jumps, downward dog(think thats what they are called) chaturangas, even did a tripod without eating the board and water!!!!

Today though… TODAY. TO-MUTHA-FREAKIN_DAY Y’ALL… I SURFED!!!!! I was scared shitless but I did it!!! I did a few run throughs on the beach and my instructor was like “Dude you are fine. This will be easy for you. Lets go.” I was like “You sure??” He said “Nothing to it but to do it.” So he helped me paddle out and we waited for my first wave. My nerves were going and I just knew it was going to be disaster. He was like “Ok. Here it comes. Im going to push you and tell you when to go ok?” I was like “Ok.” The wave rolled in,he pushed and screamed “NOW… GO!!!!!” I pushed to standing, froze and then over I went. Water went over me and I came up… CRACKING UP!!!! I hopped on my board, paddled back out and did it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again!!! I actually surfed you guys!!!! Like I got up and cruised on top of water more than once!!! One time I made it to shore and was paddling back out when a giant wave caught me and flipped me over board and all. Not once but twice!!! As soon as I got came up for air and got back on my board the second wave rolled through and took me out again. HAHAHAHA!!! My instructor was like “Most people hate that but you came up laughing.” I was like “DUDE I LOVED IT!!!!” I went back and forth on the water catching as many waves as I could. It was the coolest thing I have EVER experienced. At one point I was like “HOLY CRAP!!! Im kind of walking on water!!!”

I accomplished two things I NEVER in my life thought I would do and I feel like gosh damn Wonder Woman do you hear me??? No one can tell me SHIT right now!!! I feel like a beast!!! Now I know tomorrow when I wake up my body is going to be singing a different tune but I could care less right now. There is nothing like KILLING what you thought was impossible. There is no greater accomplishment then KILLING one of your biggest fears. I have a fear of going too far out in open water…especially if I can’t see bottom. I could NOT see the bottom today. I have no clue what was swimming around my feet.I have no idea what was crawling in the sand that I was walking in. I have no idea what was in the water but I surfed and swam in the wide unknown and it was AMAZING and FREEING. I was able to let go of EVERYTHING for an hour and a half. For an hour and a half I was flying and guess what…. I’m doing it again tomorrow.

IM OFF… Time to Ponder The Universe!!!

LAWD JESUS IM OFF!!!! I thought I was going to have a sleep in… Didn’t happen. Im not tripping though because IM OFF!!!! Im going to spend my day doing paddle board yoga, eating and zoning out and maybe some shopping. I hate shopping though. When I say shopping that means I walked into a place and came across something that I liked… which means it was a bag. That means its still there and that Im going back to that exact store, to that exact spot and grabbing that exact bag.  I hate shopping. Tomorrow I want to try surfing but I also want to go to Martha’s Vinyard because I have never been and should probably check it out at some point. Decisions decisions. I am now sitting in a coffee shop full of white people who are randomly staring at me while trying to look like they aren’t staring at me.

You ever have those days were you wonder why you are where you are?? I know this is a complete shift but IM OFF so I have time to ponder the universe and God. I promise Im not high… Not going to lie though, I have had days where I wish I were. But seriously I have been like “Why am I here?? Why was I created?? Why would I be brought into this crap called “the world” Am I really making a difference?? Am I really producing change??  Am I touching lives and leaving a positive impact?? Is it even really about me?? Or is someone supposed to make a difference in my life?? But then Ive still made it all about me?   So basically if is you thats supposed to make a difference or someone thats supposed to make a difference in your life… Its still about you. Which makes all of us really freaking selfish on some level.

YES YES YES

You would think with the title that I was getting laid… I’m not. However I am OFF FROM WORK!!! YES.GOD!!! I know every week I say “This has been the longest week of my life” but THIS WEEK HERE… has been JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL PLEASE!!! I am off through Friday, work Saturday, Sunday and then Im off the following week. THE.WHOLE.DAMN.WEEK. I will be back in NYC, in my apartment, in my silence, in my space, in my happiness!!! YES LAWD!!! There will be no one calling me every 5 minutes. There will be no tantrums. There will be no shit. There will be no crying. There will be no wooooo saaaaaaawing. Its going to be me myself and I. Like I could bust out in the whop right now… I’m THAT excited!!! KIKI NEEDS A BREAK!!! I need to turn completely off!!! OFF!!! Like I don’t want to answer my phone, email or ANYTHING for a week. I want to go off grid!!! Mid week I will emerge and do some fun things but I know I’m not doing ANYTHING for a good 3 days!! The only things catching AAAALLLLLL of my attention during this time will be sleep, meditating, sleep, tv, sleep, donuts, sleep… Did I mention sleep already?? The thought of sleeping with NO interruptions or worry is damn near orgasmic. YES YES YES!!!!

Tomorrow I am starting with sleeping until at least 7 and then its off to Paddle board yoga. I Love paddle boarding. Im starting to like yoga… So why not combine the two??

Thursday is going to consist of me and a surf board… I think. I forgot to book the lesson but I will call tomorrow to see if I can get it set up.

Friday I am hoping to chill and bike around the island, shop, eat, chill, drink, chill, and chill.

I work Saturday and Sunday and then Monday is the beginning of FREEDOM!!!

CRAP DAY!!!

So today yo… I can’t even describe today. I will cut it short by saying it was a LONG FREAKING DAY!!! Anyway the end of my day was CRAP!!! And I am not figuratively speaking. So we all know that I am a nanny. Well I was giving the youngest kiddo a bath. She’s 18 months.  She is splashing and playing. I am making bubbles with soap and my hands and she’s laughing. Well she laughed so hard at one point that she farted. Well that made bubbles in the water and a funny noise which made her laugh harder. Well a few minutes go by and she is trying to make booty bubbles again.  I looked away to get more bath soap for bubbles when I looked down and almost died. It was like something out of the movie Alien. Homegirl SHIT… IN THE TUB!!! I saw what she had for breakfast lunch and dinner ooze out of her ass and float to the top of the bathwater like some kind of alien blob of crap being born from the mother ship. OHHHHH MAAAAAAH GAHHHH!  I screamed which scared the poor child and she must of clenched the butt cheeks because the alien making factory was shut down. THANK GOD!!! Y’all… I had to rewash her, and then hand her off to grandparents so I could disinfect the bathtub. I gagged the 20 minutes it took me to get everything cleaned. Now I have been a nanny for a while. Ive been puked on, shit on, cleaned shit, sneezed on, had boogers stuck to me… YOU NAME IT!!! Ive seen it all. But this… today?? I about died right there on the spot!!!